Okay ladies, can we all agree to stop “gatekeeping” each other?
Gatekeeping is loosely defined as “the activity of controlling, and usually limiting, general access to something.”
Still confused?
So for example, working adults casually say to a college kid, “Oh, you won’t get it till you get a real job.” Or a married woman tells a single woman, “Oh, you won’t get it till you get married.” Or a mom tells a childless woman, “Oh, you won’t get it till you have kids.” Or a widow tells a woman who has a living spouse, “Oh, you won’t get it till you’ve lost a husband.” Sound familiar now? (There’s actually a whole Reddit thread on this …)
I used to hate it when people who were married would say to me, “Oh, you won’t get it till you’re married.” Then I got married. I still don’t get it. More plainly said, I really just DON’T AGREE with whatever they were insisting upon.
Then I was married but didn’t have kids. And I had to hear SO MANY WOMEN tell me, “Oh, you won’t get it till you have kids.” Then I became a mom. And I STILL don’t get it or agree).
And, no joke, just recently,an older woman who was a grandma said to a couple of mom friends of mine, “Oh, you ladies won’t get it until you become grandmas.”
In the mom world, there’s always some “gatekeeping” that is happening. What is this rat race that we’ve put ourselves into in motherhood? We say “ohh, I’m so glad I left corporate and its rat race / ladder climbing” Are we sure? Haven’t we just entered another rat race / ladder climb in motherhood / parenthood?
“You won’t understand till you”:
- Have kids
- Have more kids
- Have 5 kids under 5
- Have twins … have TWO sets of twins
- Have kids that are in school / home-school / public / private / college / graduate school in Africa
- The list goes on
Why do we do this to each other? Yes, I understand that sometimes when we describe our situation, we really may feel alone and isolated and not understood. But if your friend is sitting there, asking you about your life and about your situation, she’s probably genuinely trying to care for you and love on you. To say something dismissive (and also condescending) is not only quite hurtful, let’s be honest, it’s not totally true.
While, sure, there are things that another person may not EXACTLY understand to the tee. There are many things that others can comprehend and feel empathetic about. Sharing in support and community does not require everyone to be the SAME. If all the twin moms could only find understanding and support with other twin moms, it would be a lonely (and small) circle. Even smaller for the triplet mom, or the double set of twins moms …
I remembered how hurt I was when I was married but with no kids yet, and trying to support (or even babysit for free) for my friends who had children before me. Whenever they said “you don’t get it,” it hurt, it stung. But I wanted their friendship and I truly didn’t know what I didn’t know, so I just politely nodded and tried to provide whatever support they needed or wanted. Once I DID become a mom, I realized that whatever they WERE talking about (stress, tiredness, feeling stretched thin) were topics that I definitely could easily have understood pre-mom. There may have been other things that I really didn’t personally know yet (like chaffing nipples for breastfeeding). But for things like emotions and situational stress / frustration, it was not that hard to understand and empathize.
Now, I try hard to NEVER say to a friend “you don’t get it,” albeit a single friend on marriage, or a childless friend on kids, or a girl mom about boy moms. Even if my friends are trying to share their opinion, I want to hear their sincere thoughts, not shut them down. Even if they don’t have my exact experience, they can still offer very interesting insights. And even if I do find people in similar situations, it does not mean that we are going to be compatible and see eye to eye.
Gatekeeping has its place. Don’t get me wrong. But in social circles and communities and friendships, let’s not do it to each other.
The Adventures of a Third Culture Kid 