Women hash things out, Men get over it

I’ve recently realized, that for women, closure may mean to talk everything out, and reach some type of understanding. But for men, closure may not require such things. Sometimes, they just need some time, let if fade, and slowly work back into the relationship. So what about the problem? No need to hash it out and talk it over and reach some sort of agreement? Nope. They leave it as is. Don’t touch it, don’t talk about it.

Hmm,  as a woman, that leaves me infinitely uncomfortable.

“But what about the misunderstandings? And the miscommunications? How can we prevent this from happening again? Are we okay now?!”

So many questions are flooding through our heads. But the guys? This is how some see it:

“Well, I now know that this is a topic of disagreement, or when I do this, she’ll get upset.” or “I now realize this is a touchy subject, and will try to steer clear of it.”

And then…. that’s it.

Seriously. That’s it.
They see no need to revisit and reopen the whole issue and to talk about it and reach a common understanding.

For us, we like to verify: “Does this make you upset? How can I avoid this in the future, and how can WE work together?”

I guess guys just take it upon themselves that they’ve gathered enough information to avoid it, and it’s their own responsiblity, not about working together or anything, but that they themselves, alone, will figure out a way, and brave it alone.

So maybe that’s the reason why women need closure through talking and hashing it through. Whereas men just come to a conclusion in their own heads (regardless if it’s verified or not), and then go on out to execute.

So maybe it’s not really “getting over” persay. Perhaps it’s more big-headed, thinking they have the answers and the solution?

Platonic Men and Women friendships?

Ahh, the age old million dollar question. Can men and women just be friends?

Well, there are quantifying statements to help explain better.

At one given moment, perhaps a man and a woman can be purely friends, but when you take away the snapshot and look at long term, the answer may be different.

At some point, one will fall for the other, but the other is not interested. And then later, if the friendship sustains and survives, perhaps the other person will fall for the first person, but that person has already moved on. And then it continues, guy likes girl, then switches, girl likes guy, until one day, theylike each other at the same time. And then?

So even if they were friends for some moments, over time, there will be attraction.

Why do I say this?

Lets switch into a situation.

Jeff and Jenn are good friends. Both are dating each other. When Jenn gets in a fight with her boyfriend, she vents and talks to Jeff. Jeff, being Jenn’s friend, listens intently and is always on Jenn’s side (hey, what are friends for). Jenn and boyfriend starts having more issues, Jenn starts running to Jeff to talk more. And now, Jenn’s starting to think, “Wow, Jeff is a great guy! See? He understands what I’m talking about! Unlike my insensitive boyfriend!” Now Jeff may be entirely enamored by his current girlfriend and is truly just being a good listener and a friend for Jenn. But, it’s a slippery slope. Jeff may also start thinking, “Man, this guy is treating Jenn so badly. She’s such a great girl! I love her as a friend! Man, if I were her boyfriend, I’d treat her so much better!”

Oops, mistake number 1. We’re going down the slope.

Say Jenn and boyfriend breaks up. What’s Jenn going to do now? Find Jeff? Ask him to console her? comfort her?

And Jeff’s response? Comfort and console his friend? or realize that this is going down a slippery slope? Jeff starts wanting Jenn? Isn’t that cheating? Since Jeff is not a single man?

Platonic friendships?

Hmm, very very rare. And I think if we’re going to call it friendships, it’ll be the more surface level type, and not the heart-to-heart, venting type.

“Are we spending way too much time together?”

When two people are in love and dating, when is spending time together going overboard?

Hopefully, the two people still have contact with the outside world. But where’s the balance?

If you have a girl or guy friend, that disappears once they’re dating, and everytime you see them, they show up in a pair (couple style all-the-way), is that frustrating or irritating?

But it’s also not good if the couple only sees each other once a week, if they live in the same city, that is. (Long distance relationships don’t apply here…)

So whats the measurement? How to measure? Do you measure that the amount of time spent together has to equal the amount of time spent apart? Or do we say the amount of time spent together has to equal the time spent with other friends in total (so quality alone time does not get categorized into either group)? Or do we measure the couple’s alone time together should be equal to the time they spend together with friends/family and equal to the time they spend time separately with friends/family?

Couple’s Time (total of alone & public time) = Time separate (total of alone and friends/family time)

Couple’s Time (total of alone & public time) = Time separate with friends = Time separate – Time alone

Couple’s Time (alone time) = Couple’s Time (public time) = Time separate with friends/family

Spending too much time together can be great for the couple, or it could be harmful. The couple can become detached from reality, or they can get really annoyed with each other in the long run (since they have no personal time and space), they can also jeopardize their previous friendships and relationships that were vital and significant to them before the start of the relationship. In the end, they can live in their own little world that is distant and disconnected from the people around them and from the people who care about them. It can be quite hazardous as we are to live in a community of people, not a community of one other person.

Spending no time together is never good for the relationship, but spending all your time together and being attached at the hip is also unhealthy.

When is it a healthy balance and when does it become an unhealthy extreme?

What’s your equation?

Marrying against your family’s will: Romantic or Irresponsible?

Now some people may say this is so romantic because love conquers all. But lets step back and be grown ups for a sec, now can we?

You want to get married but your family is very much against it. Your response?

A. Ignore and go ahead with it anyway. With or without them.
B. Try to explain to your parents why you feel this is the person you should marry and want to marry and hope they will except them over time. Discuss it with you family thoroughly, and though they still don’t see eye to eye, you have all had ample time to express opinions and listen to each other. Get married after discussion and hope time will help.
C. Try to talk with you parents, realize that it will take much more than just a few weeks, and continue dating the person, but not rush into the marriage. Wait for parents to finally accept the other partner before going ahead and planning the engagement and marriage.

Now most romantics may think they’ll want Scenario A. But is that really what wins out? As romantic as it is at that moment, perhaps the parents have a point. Should we listen to them and give them a chance to express their opinion? Afterall, this is the 21st century when everyone and their mom has a say in today’s global events and event, both politically, socially, environmentally, and financially. Wouldn’t we want to at least listen to them, since they may have a good point, and they are probably the few in the world that want nothing more than the best for us? And would even die for us.

I have friends that broke up or canceled their engagement because the family did not support it. And it was even over things that many people may find petty, for example, not being the same ethnicity, not the same religion, not the right education background/level, etc. How about that? Can one say that these people just “didn’t love the other person enough” ? Or maybe we can say that perhaps these people have respect and regard for those that brought them up and gave their children their life? And perhaps the kids weren’t just selfishly thinking about themselves and about what they want, and as spoiled brats do “I can get whatever I want, because I said so.” (How many “I”‘s appeared in that sentence?!)

End of the day, there’s no real answer, but I do support the decision in respecting our parents and at least talk and discuss with them, and not being immature and boisterous, thinking, “if I just go ahead and elope/get married, there’s nothing they can do. They just have to eat it!”

I think when you disregard the people around you and the people who care about you, and just run off and get married (making a big life decision), I don’t think it’s romantic at all. I think it’s immature, irresponsible, and just plain selfish.

How you start the relationship, is it important?

I have friends pondering over the value and sustainability of their romantic relationship.

We got into a discussion:

How did your relationship start? Why are you with the person you’re with right now?

We got some varying answers:
1. We have a lot of fun together.
2. We were really good friends, and were spending so much time together, it just seemed like the natural step.
3. We admire each other and how we both love life.
4. One person pursued the other, and the other was interested as well, so decided to give it a shot.
5. We have so many common interests.
6. We are practically the same person! We have the exact same background and beliefs and values, or religion and faith.

So… does it really matter how the relationship starts?

Some people say yes. Reasons? Because that’s the foundation of the relationship. That’s the basis of the whole thing. That’s where it relationship was born into existence, so therefore, it’s what defines the relationship and its development there on out.

Others say no. Why? Because though that was what peaked the initial interest and attraction, many things change and develop over time. Both sides get to know each other more deeply and intimately, but they also get to know themselves more through their partner. The initial thing may be what brought them together, but what happens later on is what builds and defines the relationship.

So what do you think? The start of the relationship is the seed of the plant? So the fruit and color and height is determined and defined by the type of seed (its genetic component). Or is the start of the relationship just the means of bring people together, kind of like the wind which helps mate and breed various seeds, thus not knowing what type of plant/fruit it will result in.

Jealousy or Competition?

The story starts out on a birthday.

Amanda is having a huge party at this restaurant lounge and bar. 60+ of her friends are there, as is her boyfriend. Halfway through the party, she is completely drunk and one of her guy friends, Brad, is whispering in her ear and giggling around with her. Her boyfriend is not too happy at this scene, so taps Amanda and tries to get her to snap out of it. She has no idea what he’s talking about, so the boyfriend grabs her wrist and tells her to stop. Amanda starts crying. She’s in the bathroom puking and crying with her friends trying to console her.

The boyfriend and a few friends end up taking her home and the boyfriend volunteers to stay with her over night, however, he ditches around 2am. Amanda wakes up around 3am, puking again, and by herself, scared because she has no idea what had just happened. She tries to call her boyfriend but he doesn’t pick up. He finally texts her to just go back to sleep, everything will be okay.

Next morning is horrible for her. She tries to get in touch with the boyfriend, but he still isn’t answering. Finally he calls her, and tells her what happened. Except… she has NO recollection. She can’t remember Brad being all touchy with her, she can’t remember the crying, or the  fighting.

They boyfriend uses this to his advantage and continues to accuse her that she disrespected him in front of all her friends by being flirty with Brad. She apologizes over and over again, saying that it’s all her fault and she’s sorry, she shouldn’t have gotten so drunk. The boyfriend says he wants a break up. Amanda is startled. Breaking up just over this? Plus when she was drunk? And during her birthday!?

Amanda is in shock and also at a loss, since she has no memory of the events that happened that night, she has no way to explain, defend, or do/say anything towards his accusations.

She talks to one of her guy coworkers. And this is what he explains.

Guys aren’t just being jealous in this situation. It’s now become a competition. The boyfriend views Brad as taunting him and being smug that he “got” his girl. The boyfriend is angry and feels disrespected because he feels Amanda is letting him lose in the competition by flirting with Brad. So instead of simple jealousy, this has now become a competition and Amanda has become an object.

So that gets me thinking. So the source of jealousy for girls really is jealousy. But for men, can it be that more than jealousy, it’s more like a competition? And that the emotions and anger and jealousy that stirs up is due to the competition (over the object/girl). So that the motivation and incentive is NOT jealousy itself, but the competitive nature between men that stirs up fights and arguments and bad blood?

I know it seems almost the same thing, but if you think about it, it’s slighty different. They may be expressed similarly, but the base of the two are different. Jealousy is spurred by wanting something that you don’t have or upset that someone gets something you don’t have. Competition is wanting to win, regardless if that item was yours or not yours (or if there even is a prize). Competition is overlooking to award/prize and just focusing on beating your competitor.

So simply said, Amanda could be there or not there, but the competition is between the two men, who’s main goal is not “to get Amanda”, but to beat out each other. Somehow, Amanda was the cause of the competition, but eventually, she can be out of the picture. And therefore, Competition is the main source of the conflict and anger, NOT jealousy.

Competition

Gift Ideas for your boyfriend’s parents

So after spending Christmas with my boyfriend’s parents, and laboriously obsessing over what to give, I finally gave this:
1. Chopstick set in a fancy wrap case.
2. Chocolates from Hokkaido, the northern island of Japan.
3. An Espirit scarf/wrap, silk mixed cotton, beautiful blend of color and embroidery.

So their tradition is to sit around the Christmas tree and open presents together.

My boyfriend has an older brother, and his girlfriend has been around the family for 3 years. So she has a close relationship to the parents, and so I was earnest to learn what she gave and got as presents for the parents.

This is what I saw:

She gave:
1. Slippers
2. Pajama set
3. Scarves/Gloves set
4. Mp3 player
5. Socks

This is what her sons gave her:
1. Sweaters
2. Jewelry
3. Perfume (though she didn’t like it)
4. Pyrex set
5. Wine glass sets

This is what she gave the other girlfriend:
1. Spice set
2. PJs
3. Mugs
4. Lotion/Bath sets
5. Blankets

Ahhh, so this is what they give!

So generic gifts are ok! And it doesn’t have to be overly personalized and laboriously obsessed over.

I see.

Got it.

I’ll remember for next year…

Except, that’s just not my giving style.

I love giving sets, well thought out and designed, etc.

But I guess we’re all different… Oh well. We’ll see.