Men only want the happy stuff

It seems that men only want the peachy, rosy, romantic, sexy stuffs in relationship. They don’t want the emotional baggage, the deep issues, the pet peeves, the personal hang ups, the past hurts and burdens. Start to deal with those, and watch your man cringe in a corner or even jet right out the door.

Perhaps men really are the more idealistic lovers. They want the candlelit dinners, they want to swoon you with flowers and love songs, they want the kiss under the stars, they want to stare deep into your eyes and into your soul. Oh wait, but not your real soul, just the pleasant one that is pleasing and happy and always eternally optimistic.

Show them a tear, and they get all uncomfortable. Try to share an issue about the relationship that is bothering you, and they get defensive and frustrated and impatient. Dare to bare the deeper side of your emotions and thoughts, and they start to get upset.

Where does that leave us? In a state of constant apology or in constant covering and hiding.

“I’m sorry, but I just have these issues with XYZ.” “Please hear me out. I know its annoying, but I need to talk this out.” “Ohh, um, nothing. Nothing is on my mind. Its ok. Don’t worry about it. It totally didn’t bother me. I’ll get over it. I should get over it. It’s my fault.”

Sound familiar?

How horrible. Why should we apologize? Why should we be ashamed of our hang ups and pet peeves? Why can’t we just be who we want to be? Flaws and all. Perfections and all!

Advertisements

The amount a guy likes a girl, and vice versa

After talking to my brothers, my guy cousins, my guy friends, my guy classmates, even reading guy magazines and articles (GQ, AskMen.com, etc etc), and even after dating many different guys, I seem to have found a similar trend. (Editor’s note: YOU may be an exception. Which means your special, and we (women) love you. So please don’t be angry and jumping up and down with comments if this doesn’t apply to you…)

It seems to me that men fall for women… FAST. So if the guy finds a girl he really likes, he’ll like her straight off the bat, and a lot. But girls, on the other hand, seem to have a little crush, and then eventually like the guy more and more, and then later on allowing herself to fall for him a lot more.

Ok, let me back up a bit. Let’s start with the timeline. I’m starting from “Meeting”. So no, not starting from dating, but right away when the guy meets the girl, and gets really attracted. The girl may feel somewhat attracted, but seemingly more guarded.

Let’s say they go on a few dates. The guy’s interest can grow and stay strong and still consistent, as though the dates are just verifying his initial interest upon meeting her. The girl’s interest (if they get along) will start growing by each date.

Now they’re dating and we’re 6 months into their relationship. The girl’s interest is continually growing, if not sky rocketing. Meanwhile, the guy’s interest is consistent. May or may not be getting a bit bored.

2 years into their relationship. Now the girl can’t even imagine what life would be without this guy. But this guy is starting to get restless, or bored, or complacent. Either one of those emotions is not a good thing.

Eventually, the guy loses interest, but still stays with her due to multiple reasons: guilt, comfortable, its what works, history, etc.

Maybe there’s a graph that can help depict this

Amount Guys and Girls Like Each Other over Time

Amount Guys and Girls Like Each Other over Time

Special thanks to Palad006 for helping with the upload procedure! 😉
More pictures will now show up in my blog. Hurray!

Barrier between men and women

Are there any?

Nowadays, we have stay home dads, we have football fanatics that are all girl. So based on professions and interests, it seems that men and women can almost be…. bff’s! However, why does there always seem to be some barriers that still exist? Especially when it comes to romance, love, relationships, and dating.

Scenario 1. Guy A, Matt, has a girlfriend, girl A, Ashley. Matt and Ashley have a good mutual friend, girl B, Tanya. They knew Tanya individually before they started dating. The couple starts dating. But Matt and Tanya continue to share some common interests that Ashley doesn’t care for. Matt keeps asking Tanya to hang out, never one-on-one, there’s always a third person. Ashley knows all about it and is completely fine with it (or at least it seems). Tanya is starting to feel uncomfortable, as she doesn’t want to eventually come between them. And Tanya, probably has high morals and standards, feels that she shouldn’t be spending so much time with a guy that has a girlfriend, even if the girlfriend knows about it and is seemingly okay with it. Matt thinks Tanya is worrying too much. Answer? Solution? Is Tanya just thinking too much and being over cautious? Or is Matt playing with fire? toying with the boundaries? Guys seem to have a lower threshold to situations that lead to temptation and a downward spiral. Not saying that men are more likely to be unfaithful, but men seem to find themselves in compromising situations more often. And when they realize it, it’s sometimes too late. So what should Tanya do?!

Scenario 2. Guy B, Tom, finds this girl that he absolutely adores, girl C, Cathy. But he doesn’t think that she’s as attractive as he would like her to be (wth!??!). So he tells his buddy that she’s hella awesome, but is nothing to look at. He struggles whether or not to date her. He’s falling for her hard. But can’t get over the looks. Dates her for awhile, then breaks it off, because he just can’t get over how plain she looks. (editor’s note: she’s not ugly, just not super hot and skanky looking… ) He’s heartbroken, because he really liked her. For everything that she was.    Another friend, girl D, Dora, finds a guy that is wonderful, guy C, Kevin, not the hottest of the bunch, but they get along really well. She finds him to be more and more attractive as she gets to know him, because of his personality. And the looks doesn’t matter afterwards. If anything, he becomes more and more handsome because of who he is.      So, when personality and looks start competing, do guys usually choose the looks? even though this girl is everything he dreams of, except for … the face or the body? And do girls always cherish the heart and the personality more?

Scenario 3. Break ups. Girl E, Edna, breaks up with a boyfriend. She wants to burn everything away. So much so that a group of her friends rush to her house to prevent any crazy fires that may get out of hand. Meanwhile, guy D, Dan, breaks up. And he tells himself and all his friends, “Good Riddance!!” and goes out to drink it off for a few days and perhaps even go on some rebound flings.   Do we even handle break ups differently?!

Scenario 4. Girl F, Frances, needs to take some time off from everything, she’s feeling overwhelmed. She books a massage, a manicure, reads a book, spends a quiet night with some girlfriends. Guy E, Ernest, is also getting overwhelmed from life in general. He plays sports, go drinking with his buddies, sleeps with some random chick, plans a few dates in 1 week.    Do we even handle our stress differently? Looking for different ways of relaxation?

No matter how we seem similar during the sober and reasonable times of business and profession, when it comes to love and war, the barriers immediately show themselves. As if there was this high wall that we can’t jump over or climb over. And thus, these sayings, “Women: can’t live with them, can’t live without them” or “Women are so hard to figure out” etc come to existence. (Obviously, these sayings can be made toward the male population as well.)

So at the end of the day… are we equal? Are we the same? Or is it that all bets are off when it comes to dating and relationships?

Making the “right” choice

When it comes to dating, I’ve found that its not like choosing an answer to a multiple choice question, where there is a correct answer even before you put down your answer. There is no such thing as a pre-set answer for dating.

Its great to imagine that there is a right answer out there. And that the scenario “should I choose to date person A or person B” had a correct answer somewhere out there.

However, when it comes to dating, the choice that you make gradually becomes the right answer if you work on it and put in the effort for it… at least that’s what I’ve been told to believe?

So if the cold reality is that there is no “right” answer when you’re choosing who to date or whether or not to date at all… then how do we go about making decisions!?

If there are no right answers, then what are we choosing exactly!?

What is the basis for it? What’s the reasoning? And most importantly, what’s the purpose?

Love is sitting and sipping red wine…

Taken from a former comment from Time to Drop the “L-bomb” :

What if that were true?

So let’s allow our imaginations to run wild for a bit.

Let’s just say that love was watching us as we weakling humans were trying to figure out the rhyme and reason behind love. We put out books about “finding the right one”, we go to seminars about “creating better relationships”, we go to therapists for healing from a past love or for helping us to love. Seriously, we are obsessed with this love thing.

So as Love kicks back, and opens up a bottle of red wine to enjoy yet another episode of “Humans desperately trying to figure out Love”, does he (she?) chuckle quietly and shakes his head at our pathetic attempts? Or does it giggle because we look cute and endearing as we’re doing it? Or is it an evil grin and a sly smile, knowing that we will never figure it out, and the enjoyment of watching us humans pull out our hair and bite down our nails over it, is just a sick satisfaction of his?

What would Love think, if it could see us doing the things we do?

If someone ever figures Love out, will they point to Love’s face and go, “Ah-ha! I got you down! Sucka! I’ve nailed it! Don’t play with me anymore!” Or would the response be, “Aww, I’ve finally found you! You’re wonderful! I’m so happy I’ve figured you out!”

We all know tons of  Love quotes that are thrown back and forth. Those may be people claiming to know who Love is. But was it just a mirage? in a dry, ruthless desert? Has anyone truly figured out Love?

Love seems like a double edged sword to me. It bring amazing things to your life, but it can destroy it as well.

Let’s not forget the more gruesome Love stories in our time. Suicide due to unrequited love, homicide due to heartbreak and cheating, murder due to anger in love, asylum residents due to excessive heartbreak and depression.

So then is Love this two faced creature that sometimes bares it’s ugly face? So ugly it can parallel the mythical Medusa, in turning all who look upon it into stone? And yet at times it can also look like the gorgeous Aphrodite, that whoever looks upon it will fall madly in love? How terrifying is that? When I unveil the cover to Love’s face, who will I get today? Medusa? or Aphrodite?

That’s crazy!

Love is crazy! And the worst part is, it drives US crazy!

Investments and Potential Returns … on love

After I became single, I realized that things in the world of dating shouldn’t be so difficult, especially in the beginning. We jump through hoops, hoping that our efforts will later pay off our initial investments (parallel in the world of financial investments). But really, if there is no return, or there is no longer any potential of growth, we need to sell off those stocks, aka let go of the non-relationship that was either dead or “asleep”. And we need to let go sooner than later. Because as investments teaches us, the longer you hang on, wishing for that comeback (that never comes), the more you’ll lose.

Another point is, if there is way too much required in the beginning, I’d say, Abandon ship. Because if the initial investment requires, say, 30% – 40% of your income, yet doesn’t prove to have a good yield, what crazy person would say yes? Even financial advisors working with high risk clients would not suggest them to buy this stock. If the buy-in is much lower, say, 1% – 10%, then perhaps it’s a bit more doable. (Given the current economic situation, before going about and buying some risking stocks/funds with a large percentage of your income, you may first want to have 6 – 8 months of emergency funds in liquid form, as well as some type of retirement fund accumulating somewhere, as well as be debt free, especially credit card debt.)

Sorry about that tangent.

But my point is, shouldn’t we use the same/similar principles when we are investing in love? Shouldn’t we first invest in ourselves, and have enough emergency funds (making personal care a priority and nurturing friendships) before jumping in and buying some expensive and risky stock. And at the same time, relieve your debt situation (any healing or mending that needs to be done from past brokenness and bad relationships). And then perhaps some investments in our retirement funds (thoughts of what we are looking for and what we plan for our future). And THEN we can jump head first and invest into love relationships? And even then, if its way too much effort or expense, then perhaps we should just quit (or pull out our funds) before we get in too deep, and end up losing way more as we wait longer (like if you didn’t pull out your funds when the S&P500 dropped to 1000, and you continued to wait, and by the time it dropped to 780… it was too late to bail, or you could bail, just to stomach the loss).

Or am I reasoning too much? and have taken out the “magic” of love?

But perhaps there was no magic to begin with? What if it were just an easy economic and mathmatical problem? That can easily be modeled after our principles of financial investing?

The time for dropping the “L-bomb”

After my friend’s drunken “I love you” story (Drunken “I Love You”s), we were discussing the story in the office, and gradually, it led to the discussion of when is it too soon to say “I love you”, aka, the L-bomb.

If you say it too soon, does this mean that it’s not really true? Or perhaps you’re just caught up in the emotion? or perhaps you’re misinformed? Or is it … fine?!

We all came to a consensus that people never say it when they start feeling it. By the time people drop the L-bomb, you can be quite sure that they’ve been thinking that for awhile. So we then discussed how people have strong abilities to hide the fact that they love another person when they feel it but are just afraid to say it. But at the same time, when one person is farther along than the other, the one that is slower also has a difficult time expressing that they don’t feel ready to use that word. So they also have to hide that nervousness.

Anyhow, so when is it too soon to drop the L-bomb before it comes valid and real?

My friend responds with, “There is no time line for love!” in a gushy voice, and I puked in my mouth a little bit.