“Why are you posting on my facebook, if you ignored me before?”

Hmm, I’ve actually heard this question from multiple of my guy friends before.

So let’s start with the situation:

Ralph meets Laura. Get each others numbers, and last names….Find each other on facebook, friends each other.

Ralph send a message on facebook to Laura, asking her if she wanted to do something. No response.

Ok, well, Ralph is a big boy, he can take a hint. Point taken. So he moves on.

Two weeks later, she starts posting on his wall. A lot. “Hey, let’s hang out!” “Hey, haven’t heard from you in awhile”.

What’s the deal?

ok, Ralph, here are a few reasons:

1. Her work blocks facebook. (mine used to as well). And she doesn’t own the iPhone (neither do I) which allows you to have constant and easy access to facebook.  So it very well could be that you just chose the worst way to communicate with her, through facebook messaging… She may have saw the message (if she has the settings where it sends an alert to your email), but was unable to respond, since she was at work or out, and then later forgot to check. Or she wasn’t even aware that you messaged her (since many people turn off that alert to reduce spam). So finally, after 2 weeks, she goes and checks out her facebook, and sees your message, and responds via wall post.

2. She was seeing someone else at the time. Was busy with other men. Something happened, things fell through. She’s now available again, and wants to see you. That’s not too bad. Maybe even good, how she respects men, and tries to date them one at a time.

3.  She was more into another guy, thought you weren’t that interesting. The other guy turned out to be a jerk, and she’s now alone, and thinking, “well, why not? I’ll chat Ralph up, since he seems pretty interested in me.” So in this case? That would be quite a bad situation. And, no, she’s not being very nice at all.

So which one is it? I’m not sure, but here are a few things you can do to test it out.

1. Ask her what she wants to do and when. Leave the ball in her court and have her take initiative to plan it out. So have her choose the time and place.

2. Don’t make her your priority (yet). She didn’t make you her’s, so don’t go all out, just yet.

3. Did she explain why she was so delayed in her response? Usually, in a business email, you acknowledge your delayed response, apologize, and sometimes offer an explanation. Did she? If not, feel free to ask her why. Casually though, not interrogating. But more in a “Oh, did you travel somewhere? I thought maybe you were out of town for a few weeks, since I didn’t hear from you.”
If she’s scenario 1 or 2, she’ll be straightforward and explain. If she’s flustered and gives phony answers, she’s probably 3.

So now, to the ladies. Please don’t be 3. I totally understand if you’re #1 or #2, (I’m #1 all the time >.< sorry!) But if you have a delayed response, apologize!

Don’t try to sleaze it off, it’s shady! Be a lady! Be professional.

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This chill friend thing… just doesn’t really work

Hm, so there are some people that use the “sneak up close and then go for the kill” idea.

And I really don’t think it works. Well, at least for me.

I like to get to know a guy better, gradually. But if you make it so that we dissolve into buddy0type friends, then it’s gone.

I’m frustrated, because I don’t understand why, but my attraction dies down when the interaction becomes very buddy-ish. And then when they want to switch over to the romantic sense, it just doesn’t work. This is crazy.

It’s almost the ladder theory, but kind of working in reverse.

It’s not that I’m putting them on the friend ladder, but it’s as if they put themselves on the friend ladder. But then they had ulterior motives all the time. And after putting themselves on the friend ladder, they want to jump back on the romantic ladder.. but don’t they know? that it doesn’t work??

Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter who puts the guy on the girl’s “friend” ladder. As soon as he’s on there, it’s kinda gone after that. So then the question that begs to be answered is: “Why put yourself there on the first place? Did you really think there was going to be some miraculous redemption?”

If you were interested in the first place, DON’T PUT YOURSELF ON THAT LADDER!

It could be because I had broken up, and they’re trying to be the “nice, comforting friend”. But while that is really great to have, they don’t realize by putting themselves in that position, it’s quite dangerous. Because if you slip and fall, you’ll accidentally land yourself in the pit. End.

So I guess the tricky part for a guy is:

1. How to keep the attraction/chemistry there
2. How to not come off too strong (esp if she just got out of a relationship)
3. How to act sensitive, understanding, patient, etc (all those “ideal guy” stuff…) without accidentally being bumped to the “friend” category
4. Maintain that “possibility”
5. and finally, when the time comes, approach her, and not have her be PISSED at you, because the so called friend-technique can be viewed as deceptive and sneaky and sleazy!

Yes. That is the truth.

Men, the friend technique usually does not work. Because it seems sneaky and deceptive. So as the girl, we’ll feel that we really trusted you and counted on you, all altruistic reasons, and later we found out that you were just doing it to get close to us and get us to put down our guard. No, that is NOT romantic. It’s creepy, it’s lying, it’s tricking us. Cutting us down when we are most vulnerable and hurting and needing a friend. You are the wolf in a sheepskin! You act like the friend and then go in for the kill. Lies! Ulterior Motives. Nasty.

If you’re interested, say so! Make your intentions clear. Keep that distance. Don’t go for the “friend” position. Your resume/objective does not fit that job description.

If you’re worried you’re coming off strong, let her know you’ll wait, as long as she needs. But that you’re NOT there to be just a friend.

Do NOT try to put yourself in the friend ladder/pool and expect to redeem yourself later, and come back to becoming a romantic interest. It’s gone. the opportunity came, and left. swoosh. kiss it goodbye.
If you’re interested, DO NOT try the friend technique, she will just be disgusted by your fake front, ingenuity of a friendship, ulterior motives, and most important, trying to go the back way/shortcut. You have no guts! Why can’t you be a man and be up front about your motives? Why hide? behind lies, facades, and layers of costumes and masks?

If you’re interested, make it known. Otherwise, there are two endings:

1. You are in the friend category, never to return. And the chance has left to tell her you’re interested. You’re forever “just friends”.

2. You muster up the courage to tell her you’re interested. She’s disgusted by you and feels that you’ve been creepy and deceptive. She can never trust you again. Hates your guts. Thinks that you’re dishonest and a sneaky coward.

“But what if I’m shy?” you say. Think of other ways. Keep your distance. Just don’t go the “friend” route. It fails. Promise.

A Jewish and a Christian = Romeo and Juliet?

Last week, I was talking to an acquaintence while we were all out with mutual friends. We hit it off really well, we both enjoyed the intellectual stimulating conversation that the other person had to offer. Our humor was just the right amount and level for both people. We had a lot in common (working in the same place, towards a similar goal).

Afterward, we exchanged numbers, and decided to keep in contact.

One night, we were chatting more, and he looks at my bookshelf, and realizes that I’m an avid Christian. He proceeds to tell me he’s Jewish.

Then, as intellectuals do, we both passionately but in civilized manner discussed our views on religion. He asks the key question: “Do you prefer to date Christians?”

I answered, yes.

He said religion doesn’t matter that much to him, but he can see that it means a lot to me. I nodded.

We talked about evolution, relationships, premarital sex, God’s existence, faith vs logic, Judaism and Christianity, and other topics, for next few hours.

As he left, he comments how sad this is, the fact that we’re like Romeo and Juliet, minus the hating parents.

That left me to ponder, is that an accurate analogy? We can’t be together, because we both hold our religious views passionately. But was that the case for Romeo and Juliet?

From my perspective, Romeo and Juliet loved everything about each other, the only thing kept them away from each were external reasons: family rivalry and hatred. However, what is keeping us apart? Difference in religion. But that’s not external reasons, is it? It’s the core of our being. It defines my existence and purpose.

My faith is what keeps me alive and going. Without it, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I would probably in the depth of sorrow and hopelessness. Faith is to the deepest depth of who I am. So how can I agree that “what’s keeping us from dating is due to ‘external things'”? Because it’s not.

No one is stopping me from dating him. I am stopping myself from dating him. Because, I’ve gone down this road so many times before. In the end, I feel unsatisfied and discontent about the relationship. Not because they did anything, but merely the fact that I cannot share and grow and experience faith and God’s works together. They may be supportive and understanding, as many are today (tolerant). But I don’t just want a supporter, I need a partner.

That’s what I’m looking for.

So no, we are not like Romeo and Juliet. We are like oil and water, like black and white, like day and night. We are different, and we’re in different places. And will be unable to share the depths of our hearts and mind.

I don’t want to be in a relationship or marriage and feel like the loneliest person in the world. I want a partner to experience this world and all God’s made… together.

Clean water

Recently, the popular media, there’s been a push to donate and advocate for countries around the world to have clean water.

I just got out of my seat in my office and went to the water cooler to fill up my Poland Springs plastic bottle (yes, I reuse them for a day). And drinking cool, clean, crisp water taste so good!

And then I suddenly remembered all the advocating places for clean water for drinking, and ironically, most these places are sun-scorched lands where people die of thirst and contaminated water sources.

Not sure how my profession and my passion can do anything about this.

But just had a thought, and would like to go on a brief hiatus from my usual topics, and focus on this.