We can be set FREE from our brokenness, for $19.99!

JK, it’s actually for free… not some Jenny Craig Program for the heart or something…

Last week, my women’s Bible study group was studying about brokenness. And as I was one of the youngest in the group, I didn’t feel like I had much life experience to share. People shared about broken relationships with spouses and family members and parents. People shared about death and mental disorders and other severe chronic ailments…

Mine? A breakup… sounds quite silly and young… actually. Continue reading

Is it still a contest of: who moves on FIRST?

A good friend of mine accidentally found out that her ex got a new girlfriend again. And meanwhile, she just broke it off with a guy that she had been briefly seeing.

“I don’t understand! How can he find a stable girlfriend first when he was the one cheating!?”

Good point. Why is that? If he is the type of guy that cheated on girls, why does it seem so easy for him to find a new girlfriend, but so difficult for the girl to find a new boyfriend? Is there something wrong with her then? That she has trouble finding a boyfriend?!

No. I think (and I may be biased, since I’m a friend…) that after that hurtful relationship, she realized that it takes a lot more than a cute smile and a sense of humor for a guy to really BE a CATCH. She started looking for guys that were honest, dependable, responsible, etc etc. Other characteristics that aren’t always easily found in just your everyday guy off the streets. Her standards went up, because she understood what she was looking for. She grew up. She realized that cute first dates and sweet text messages aren’t necessarily a sign for a sustainable relationship.

The guy? Perhaps he’s just looking for fun, for love, for a girl to take out on the streets. Perhaps he hasn’t changed much, and that cute smile and funny conversations he uses are still working with many other girls; girls which only look for that.

So don’t be upset. Just because you haven’t found a person yet, does not mean you lose the “race” (if there ever was one to begin with…). You just grew up, got smarter, you see a bit clearer now. You no longer are fooled by the flash and the game, but you see right through it and you’re looking for someone who’s real, someone who’s a gem.

But that’s why they’re called a gem, right? Not only are they rare in existence, they are sometimes protected by layers of soil, grime, and rocks. They are hidden deep inside the earth. You’ll find one. Just don’t be distracted and discouraged by the surface pebbles and the shallow cement rocks.

No such thing as “friends with benefits”

There is no such thing.

What is your view point of it? Is it the greatest arrangement ever? Or that this is a model that will never sustain?

So currently, the viewpoint of the market is:
This arrangement is the ideal, ultimate awesome-ness for a guy. Being able to have physical intimacy without having to endure the burdens of a relationship.
And for the girl, if she’s able to maintain emotional distance and be able to hope for something more, then it would be a good arrangement, too.

Some of our friends discussed this topic in depth. And here are some of our thoughts.

This model… sucks. And it’s very deceiving, for both parties. Because you call it “friends”, you think it’s a friendly situation and they’ll still always be able to “stay friends”. But it’s not. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. ALWAYS. People often think it’s the girl, but guys are just as susceptible.

After awhile, someone always wants more, whether it be more stability, or more commitment, or more time, or exposure and accessibility to the rest of the other person’s life.
But unless both people are on the same page constantly, there will be hurt feelings and broken hearts.

We use this term in hopes that we can get closer to this person without suffocating them or scaring them with a relationship, so we offer no-strings-attached physical intimacy. Or we hope to be able to enjoy physical intimacy with someone without leading them on or keeping them completely platonic and with no emotions. Except sex is a very emotional and intimate thing. Someone always falls for the other person, either before the “arrangement” began, or after it started.

The “friends with benefit” thing just doesn’t work.

Opened my eyes, Let me see

One of my very close girl friends read the very first entry of this blog, Suffering and Pain. It describes how this whole blog started. She knew my ex when we were still together.

She got so angry and so sad. I explained that I’m so thankful it happened, more than a year ago! And that it’s only God’s blessings that pulled me out of that relationship.

And as we were speaking, this song comes on the radio:

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness.
Opened my eyes, let me see.

Yes, I think my LORD is the light, who lights up my life, and allows me to see clearly.

There is no more tears and sadness, I see God’s hands and His mercy, and just as my dad had said, that night when I frantically called him, “Praise God.”

Lies for two years

This is a very sad story that left me speechless:

Adrienne finally found the man of her dreams, Toby. They were together for two wonderful years, and one night Toby comes and tells Adrienne that he’s getting married… with another woman… tomorrow. Adrienne doesn’t know what to do. But he tells her that he still loves her and actually wants to be with her. Adrienne calls up her friend Jody and tells her the situation and says she’ll wait for Toby. Jody is pulling out her hair, she’s furious of what Toby did. Adrienne then says that she and Toby packed Toby’s stuff for the honeymoon. How strange is that?!

Toby never came back. Adrienne was still waiting. Jody tries to wake her up. But eventually, Adrienne gets very angry at Jody, saying that she wasn’t a real friend because she didn’t support Adrienne’s decision to fight for him and to try to make him stay.

Jody is left speechless.

It’s been a few years since the incident, but Adrienne is no longer the same person. She seems defeated but also bitter.

It’s so broken . So so broken. Toby was cheating on the his fiance, while lying to Adrienne, too. And now has left her in broken pieces. This is so wrong.

Such sin and deception.

Jody prays for Adrienne every night. But Adrienne has distanced herself from Jody. Now what?

“And I will live/To carry on compassion/To love a world that’s broken/To be Your hands and feet
I will give/With the life that I’ve been given/And go beyond religion
To see your world be changed/By the power of Your name”

-Lincoln Brewster “Power of Your Name”

How do you love and change this world when this is the type of brokenness that we’re fighting against?

27-31, Guys who lie about their age

what?! really?! Do guys actually lie about their age? and if so… why?!

Story: Bryan meets Linda takes her on a date. Eventually, they casually come across the topic of age, Linda explains that she’s 26 and Bryan answers that he’s 27. Interesting, she thinks, I thought he looked older!

Linda had a lot to drink, and since they had been going to 3 places within one night, she suddenly blanked on Bryan’s name. She’s frantic, and saw that Bryan had left his wallet on the table while he went to the bathroom. She quickly flipped it open to scan his name from his ID, except… she also saw his birthdate… and he was NOT 27….

It was more like 31.

LMAO! (sorry, that’s my inserted response right here…)

What?! Why would he lie about his age?! Don’t men feel more confident when their older? and there’s a sense of more experience and maturity and accomplishment with age? Why would someone hide that and pretend to be younger? and less mature, less emotionally aware, less established, etc etc etc…?

“So you’re actually 31, huh?” Linda says bluntly when Bryan returns from the bathroom. “…” Bryan is speechless. Linda continues, “Listen, I have to be honest, I suddenly blanked on your name and didn’t want to look like a doofus so I tried to find your name on your ID, and saw that you were actually 31 and not 27. I’m not faulting you or anything, just trying to understand why you wanted to be 27 and not 31.”

Byran shrugs, “I don’t know. I just thought you looked younger so I wanted to be younger, as to not to scare you off. I thought you were maybe around 21.” (and ya, by lying that definitely doesn’t help…).

Wait, so you’re lying that you’re 27, to take a 21 year old out to dinner (27 – 21 = 6), but in reality you’re actually 31 and taking a 26 year old out (31 – 26 = 5). So by lying you actually increased your age difference? or wait, did you decrease the difference to only 1? and if you thought Linda was 21, then you’re actually a 31 yr old taking out a 21…. talk about robbing the cradle!
But regardless…

WHY DO YOU LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE?

You’re not a woman. It’s not like you’re trying to hide that you have had a divorce and 2 kids. (wait, do you?) Not that it’s okay for anyone to lie about their age, but I can sympathize a bit more when women don’t reveal their age or lie about it. So they can be younger or older… or whatever it is that they need to “look”, as we know, this world often views women as beauty icons. And youth is beauty is a very true statement. Yes, aged wine, like older women have a refined beauty to them. But with the eye creams and the wrinkle flattening skin care products… it is all to help women feel/look younger. But men? Do you use botox? eye creams? day and night skin care? Not really. Last time I checked, I didn’t think guys cared that much about looking young. (Except for that hair dye commercial to help guys dye their hair to that “salt and pepper grey” look… so to look aged and experienced, but still youthful at heart and with energy…)

If anyone has a clue, can someone explain… why would a man lie about his age?

According to you, I’m stupid, I’m useless…

Does a boyfriend ever make you feel this way?! I remember my ex (the cheating one) made me feel this way all the time!

I was driving and heard this song on the radio, and was like, “OMG!! Wow! She’s is describing such a familiar situation!”

Later on in the song, it talks about how she meets someone else, and that person tells her she’s beautiful and funny and awesome. You know, I realize that if a serious ex had once tell you all your problems and that you’re horrible, when someone comes along and tells you you’re awesome, sometimes, we have trouble believing it! How crazy is that?!

But then I realize how powerful words can be~ Even if it was said in anger or spite, and was completely inappropriate, even falsehood. But the damage is done. Sometimes, we’ll be suspicious of the new guy who thinks we’re everything they ever wanted… We find it hard to believe all the compliments and all the good things about ourselves.

It’s so sad that us girls buy into these lies that some important man in our lives told us, fed to us. Not only does it pain us tremendously when we hear it initially, it damages us later on. Making us unable to believe/accept that we are awesome and worthy.

If someone tells you you’re worthless or useless, don’t buy it. Many times, we need to be wise and discerning, should someone be coming to you with constructive criticism/feedback. But other times, comments are ill-intentioned and unnecessary. That is when we need to protect ourselves, ladies. We need to protect our hearts and what we allow into it. If the comments are a bunch of falsehood, intended to try to make us feel guilty and bad about ourselves,  Be Very Careful. This is usually a sign of manipulation. When you feel horrible about yourself, you’ll think you can only depend on him, and you can’t leave him, and he’s the “only one” that will “put up” with you. It’s a lie.

That is just a sure way for an insecure man to tie you (yes, you! an awesome girl) to him forever. Then he’ll never have to worry that you’ll leave him. He most likely knows that you’re amazing, and is way to insecure about himself, really worried that you’ll find out that you’re too good for him. So he messes with you mind by tearing you down and making you think he’s your best bet… then he’s got you down. Bam. You’re his.

But in the end, it’s his own insecurity that is tearing down your confidence and self-image. In the end, you’re using your freedom and security and image to pay for his low self-confidence. It’s not worth it. It’s not healthy. It’s not right.

We owe it to ourselves to be so much more. We are beautiful, incredible, funny and irresistible. We are everything they’ve been looking for.

If they don’t appreciate you like that, it may be time to wave goodbye and find someone that will. It’s not worth handing in your self-image and letting them shred it for you, so that in the future, you’re resume is but a torn up piece of paper, loosely taped back together with scotch-tape.