“What exactly do you want right now?”

Hm, common question that I’ve been asked a lot recently.

After breaking up, some friends are eager to introduce to me that “awesome guy” or that “great person that you’ll totally match with” to me. But I’m not sure if that’s the route I want.

I do enjoy my single life and my freedom. Part of the concern I had before, was that I am so busy in my life (and I thoroughly enjoy it), that a relationship requires more time and more effort. (Granted, the happy and rewarding factor pays off, haha).

I’m interested in meeting new people. Well, I always am. I’m not exactly trying to jump board off and dive right in to another relationship. Actually, no, I don’t want to.

Am I on a “men fast”, as some friends have asked me. Hmm, not sure either. I’m definitely more than happy to have all this time back in my hands, but it’s not like I’m boycotting men.

Hmm, I wonder if an acceptable answer would be: I just doing what I like to do, and we’ll see what happens! I do believe that God provides and will lead me.

(haha, hope people don’t think that’s a cop out answer, but why do we always have to have a “1-year plan” or “5-year plan” for relationships? I can understand for academic achievement or career, but for relationships, these plans don’t seem realistic!)


“Fearless” Colbie Caillat

“Fearless” – Colbie Caillat

Just started listening to her songs. Love the beat to this song and the arrangement.

The lyrics reminds me of both the cheating ex back in July as well as this current break up. I guess break ups, no matter how different, evoke similar responses and emotions.

The current break up, this guy was so fearful of being hurt, ever. I understand that everyone is fearful of being hurt in relationships, but at some point, you take that risk, and shut your eyes, and hope that it will be for the best. It’s like going bungee jumping. Who’s not momentarily scared when standing on that edge?

But he refuses to take risks and is so terrified of being hurt, that he was unable to really have a healthy relationship. Of course, when the break up came along, he went even more crazy, cutting off all ties, dropping all my things with the doorman, blocking me on every type of online media. I realize that we’re both hurting, I will respect his need for space and distance, and the swift avoidance of any possible pain. It just makes me sad how drastic the measures were. I thought we had a very calm and amiable break up. So to see how he’s behaving afterwards is very heartbreaking and frustrating and sad.

But this song sounds really close to how I’m thinking: “if this is how you say goodbye, then this is how it ends, I’m alright that”.

But in the end, it says “There’s nothing you can do to me, there’s nothing you can do to burn me”, and it’s true! If God is my protector and cares for me, there really is NOTHING anyone can do to break me down and burn me. Because our God will provide and protect. It may hurt, but I will still be alright. From the famous song Trading our SorrowsI’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned; Struck down but not destroyed; I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure; and His joy’s gonna be my strength”

Here are the lyrics for Colbie Caillat:

If that’s the way you love
You’ve got to learn so much
If that’s the way you say goodbye
Then this is how it ends
And I’m alright within
Never gonna see me cry
Cause I’ve cried

So go on go on and break my heart
I’ll be okay
There’s nothing you can do to me
That’s ever going to burn me

Yes, have my weak moments (when it rains)

Even though I know that breaking up was the right thing to do, but I still have moments of weakness when I want him back and want to go back. 😦 Sometimes I waver when I think back on my reasoning for breaking up. Most of the days, I’m happy. But days like today, when it’s raining and dreary outside, I feel like my head is in a cloud of rain. Sometimes I find that peace of mind, but then somehow my mind wanders and I miss him again.

Ohh, and Colbie Caillat sings out what I’m thinking again!

Droplets – Colbie Caillat feat. Jason Reeves

I’m leaving you
I’m not sure if that’s what I should do
It hurts so bad
I’m wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don’t need it

Cuz I’m walkin down this road alone
and figured all I’m thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain
and the world it seems so far away
and I’m just waiting to fall
and sink into your tears
You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me

My own blog woke me up!

The very next day after I broke up, I was kind of mopey and sad, and missed him a lot. Some of my friends had told me before that my early entries in this blog really helped them when they were going through breakups and the grieving process.  So, I went back to my own entries from July (July) and started reading, seeing if I can glean some comfort or encouragement or something from it.

I started reading, and I started crying.

I guess our brains have the amazing ability to help you “move on” after enduring pain, but still have an optimistic view in life. I realized as I had healed and happily moved on, that I forgot how much pain I was in during that time of break up (from the previous ex, the cheating one).  As I read, I remembered how much agony I had been in. It shocked me so much how much intensity I was going through! But then, here I am, still alive and healthy and happy.

I was crying and reminiscing how those days were horrible, and how food tasted like cardboard (The pain begins), and how even the thought of a new relationship made me want to vomit (That puke-y feeling), how I felt like an empty sound, and how I would sometimes have no strength to even stand up (I can’t leave).

And then I jumped back into reality and saw where I am. Wow. I can do this. This mopey feeling is nothing compared to the excessive crying and feeling of desolation, and then later leading to a nose bleed (yes, crying too much causes swelling and increases likelihood of random nosebleeds, I don’t like crying).

I guess the blog was helpful for myself… because I’m reminded how God and I had survived through those painfully sorrowful times. Now,  I have the same God and the same grace. And this break up was 100 times more peaceful and thoughtful!

Friends or ulterior motives?

I have a good friend that has stood by me through two breakups (joking, teasing, and giving me grief, nonetheless..) But anyway, we tell each other about going out on dates, and current relationship, etc. However, lately, if I point out a guy that I think is really nice and thoughtful, he’ll put down the guys, saying something along the lines of “whatever, you’re not attracted physically, so it’ll never work out.”

Granted, this brings us to the huge debate of what guys and girls are looking for.

There are guys that are so sweet and thoughtful that they make me melt, just by observing their interactions with other people and their family. They may not be the hottest guy in the room, but their personality and heart is so attractive! I think if they look decently attractive, then it’s fine.

Meanwhile, my guy friend believes that it doesn’t matter how nice and beautiful she is inside, if he doesn’t find her “hot” then it’s a no go.

Obviously, we do not agree… but perhaps that’s the difference.

Sorry, that was a tangent.

So then my girl friend points out that he seems to be sabotaging the guys that have currently appeared around me and that I should be careful. (She even brought the possibility that he might have been waiting for me to break up. what?!)

Hmm, I should I approach this? Observe a bit more and then gently explain? But I enjoy his friendship and his camaraderie. It’s like we’re fellow soldiers, battling and exploring through the jungle of dating!

I don’t want to lose my home-boy!

Allow yourself to grieve

This morning, I was reading Acts 14. And I came across this:

“They stoned Paul and dragged him outside the city, thinking he was dead. 20But after the disciples had gathered around him, he got up and went back into the city. The next day he and Barnabas left for Derbe.”

Isn’t it amazing that Paul got stoned to near death and then after a few moments, he just stood up and walked away, as if nothing had happened! Other than Paul zealous nature and love for God, I think by seeing Paul, another thing I realize is that God probably helped Paul be able to just stand right back up, brush himself off, and keep walking.

I need to rely on God’s strength to help me stand back up. I think I’m strong and I want to act strong (as if “it’s only 6 months, and it’s not that big a deal, and I can get over it fast”). But really, that’s just lying, and bad wound healing and trying to cover it up  makes the healing process even more difficult. I think I need to admit that I am hurt, and I do need healing. And regardless a long or short relationship, today, I had let a person into my life and my heart, and thus of course it would be hurtful when the person exits, no matter how they exited from my life.

I have to be humble, and present my pain and hurts to God and ask for healing and strength. I need to present myself completely helpless, and not try to stand strong or something. I think that’s why the healing with the prior cheating ex was so effective. Because I was so hurt to the core that I really couldn’t pretend I was okay, I was a complete wreck. But this time, because of pride (like, “I’m over you really fast”) I don’t even let myself process it, grieve for it, and properly address it and heal it. Thus getting into a mind trap (I keep thinking over it).

I need to wake up and smell the coffee. I was just in a break up. Of course it’s going to hurt, and of course it’s going to be miserable for a bit. Don’t avoid it, don’t hide. “Allow yourself to touch and feel the pain, don’t be scared by it.” (as my mom said from my first break up). Let the  process begin.

Science Judging

So I spent the morning volunteering to judge for some middle school science fair in West Philadelphia. It was exhilarating!

I think these are the things that really excite me! 🙂

Breaks up suck, but so many other things in life make it worthwhile and actually, increase the quality of it!

I saw so many aspiring scientists in these young 11 – 13 year old kids. In addition, they had ideas that were new and novel and many of them worked hard. Their fresh and naive attitude also helped make their presentation adorable!

This was so wonderful and refreshing and fulfilling!