Top 5 kisses in movies

5. Spiderman
When Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst kiss upside down in the rain. Nice idea! Maybe not the best thing to try to imitate. But very creative. And mysterious!

4. 10 Things I Hate About You
When Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger are playing paintball. And finally Heath Ledger catches Julie Stiles in a hay stack. Heath Ledger kisses Julia Stiles as he flings away the paintball goggles. Super cute and adorable! And fun!

3. Hitch
When Albert Brennaman chucks his inhaler and marches back up to the door and kisses Allegra Cole. Very cute. Very real. The close up of his fat lips and as he shuts his eyes and waits for Allegra to close in. Super realistic. Takes the “fantasy” out of kissing, to help us realize that it’s ok that it’s not that perfect, moonlit Hollywood kiss.

2. He’s Just Not That Into You
At the end, when Gigi gets kissed, after the guy tells her that she’s his exception. Wonderful. Great kiss. Makes you wonder if it may be real!

1. Never Been Kissed.
At the very end of the movie, Drew Barrymore gets her first kiss in her life, and they are in the middle of a baseball field, and the camera angle circles around the kiss. Magical and sweet.

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Watching an ex flirt with your good friend

So when I was in Chicago, I saw this story play out:

My friend, let’s call her Adrienne, used to date this guy, Ben. Adrienne and I have another friend, Rachel. And at the conference in Chicago, we were all hanging out at happy hours and dinners together.

Rachel has no idea that Adrienne and Ben used to date. Ben starts putting moves on Rachel. Adrienne acts completely, and I really mean, completely, normal. Not even turning a head, or looking over, or anything. No sign what-so-ever that this Ben character used to be something special. Ben has a friend Jared, who’s really good friends with Rachel. So Rachel thinks this is great, her two good friends, Jared and Adrienne are hanging out. And she accepts Ben with open arms because Ben is long time buddies with Adrienne and Jared. Plus, Ben is super sweet and flirty and nice with Rachel. She’s having a good time. (note: there are tons of other friends and people there. So it’s not just the 5 of us, but these are the main players (or culprits) involved.)

It’s getting late, and Adrienne asks Rachel if she wants to all head over to Ben and Jared’s place to hang out a bit more. Rachel isn’t interested in anything special, just wants to have fun and spend time with friends. Agrees, but doesn’t want to get back too late. They’re watching tv and eating pizza till late. Adrienne proposes to Rachel that they should just spend the night at Ben and Jared’s place. Rachel is slightly uncomfortable, as she doesn’t know Ben that well, and both her and Jared are seeing other people (not each other, just other people). But Adrienne makes the case that it’s late and cold and she doesn’t want to head back. And Rachel, wanting to make Adrienne happy as well, complied.

Next thing you know, Adrienne jumps into bed with Ben, leaving Rachel a bit confused. As Rachel had thought she and Adrienne would share a bed and the two guys would share the other queen bed. Not knowing what to say, except asks if anyone wanted to trade beds. With no answer from Adrienne, Rachel eventually gets into bed, and stays very far from Jared, as Rachel knows Jared’s girlfriend very well. Awkward.

Morning comes. Rachel wakes up first, after an awkward and uncomfortable night of restless sleep. She starts to get her things together, she’s determined to leave, now that it’s 8am, with or without Adrienne.

Rachel looks over at Adrienne to see if there’s any chance in waking her to let her know she’s leaving. And sees that Adrienne is now cuddling with Ben. Rachel quickly turns her eyes, having no idea what’s going on, thinking, “oh, maybe Adrienne developed a little crush on Ben over night!”

On her way out, Adrienne stirs, and realizes Rachel is leaving. Stops Rachel, and asks her to wait. So after awhile, Rachel and Adrienne leave together.

On the way back, Rachel playfully jokes with Adrienne, “Ooo~ so what’s the deal with you and Ben? Do you have a crush on him?”

Adrienne giggles a bit, and says, “Oh, we actually used to date. He was the one guy I was completely in love with. And then broke my heart.”

And Rachel and Adrienne are good friends, and Rachel had heard about this guy before, but never met him in person, nor could she pair up the two stories/characters. She’s shocked, and weirded out, and even more… confused.

She tells me about how their night ended and says, “Can you believe it?!”

My question: Why would Adrienne just let him flirt with Rachel that way? But even after that, Adrienne still wanted to crawl into bed with Ben? And let Ben cuddle with her? And isn’t it strange that Ben disregards Adrienne’s feelings and just flirts with her good friend, Rachel, right in front of her face?!

That is just weird!

One more thing, all these people are from Philadelphia. So why are they getting all cuddly… in Chicago!? when they have all the time in the world, and all the opportunities in the city of Philly, to cuddle here?!

Are you guys really just friends? or is there something going on?

Have you ever gotten caught in this situation?

Where you’re hanging out with a bunch of people, and two people seem really close and flirty, but upon asking, they quickly shake their heads, laugh hysterically, and say, “Oh my goodness. I would never date him/her. We’re totally just friends.”

And you believe them, until a few minutes later, the flirting starts again, and the special looks, and etc etc.

So what do you do? If you’re single, does that mean the girl is up for grabs? or the guy is available? Or is that just them being shy about their current status?

Or…

Does it mean that the guy or girl is actually interested in YOU? And by answering, “No, I’m not dating him/her”, they are actually trying to explain to you subtly that they are still available and single? (Hint, hint. Wink, wink.)

So then why are they flirting? if they’re really interested in you?

1. Maybe they’re trying to ask you to up your game? (oh, those stupid games)

2. Maybe they came with the guy or girl but is now more interested in you. But they can’t just drop their “friend”, so they need to split their attention between you and the so called “friend”.

3. Perhaps they’re way too nice, and feel bad for saying no to the “friend” who’s interested, or they’ve been long time buddies, and they can’t just ignore them and ditch them to come talk to you. But they’re trying to explain to you, without being too forward, that they’re interested in you and available for you.

4. Perhaps they’re observing you. Trying to get a feel of what you’re like, but from afar. They’re interested. Oh, they’re interested. But they want to step a few feet away first, and take it a bit slower.

Or… perhaps you’re right. They’re just lying through their teeth. And something is obviously going on. So then why not man up to it?! and explain?!

Well, maybe they’re just being shady. Perhaps something is going on. And they’re both very interested in each other. But both are too prideful (or insecure) to be the one to confess that they like the other person. Also, could be that they want to seem “cool and calm” and as if they still want to play the field and are not tied down. (Why are people go obsessed with not being the first one to admit they’re in a relationship or like each other?! People need to get over it…)

Maybe they just broke up. Or maybe they kinda had a thing going, but now it’s fallen apart. And they’re trying to move on, but unhealthily still hanging around each other, or they share many mutual friends (Staying friends with an ex).

Either way, people who do this: STOP IT!

Not only is it silly and childish that you guys are playing this game with each other, it’s also very CONFUSING for everyone around you! Especially when there are men on the prowl and women on the lookout, and many other of your friends just super confused about how to treat you and act around you when you bring out your “friend”. So please, do us all a favor. Have a DTR (define the relationship) talk and figure it out. And if you’re really just “friends”, then act like it!

Should I call him back first?

My answer: Absolutely yes!

Why?

Well, first off, waiting is hell. Why would you allow someone else to put you through it if you had the power to remove yourself from it?

It’s the 21st century and we, as women, have the right to take control and remove yourself from situations that you don’t like and aren’t comfortable in.

Do I mean constant texting and calling right after the first date? No. Of course not. But being equal, such as waiting a few days (yes, act cool) and return a call or text a “Thank you for the date, I really enjoyed it” wouldn’t hurt. In fact, it would probably help.

A lot of women shoot themselves in the foot, because they keep waiting and waiting, and meanwhile, this may send signals of indifference or high maintainence to the guy, both which are usually not quite positive.

Sometimes, as women, we tell each other advice such as:

“No, definitely don’t call first. You need to let him call. Play hard to get. Let him try to catch you. Play the game! It’s fun to be chased.”

Honestly, sometimes I don’t know if women are just trying to sabotage each other or do they just fail at getting men. Nobody likes playing the games, and moreso, no one likes being played. As much as we like to joke about men’s IQ, they are very smart creatures. And they will know when they are being toyed with and manipulated. As soon as he realizes what you’re about (all about games and such), you can watch any respectable, good quality guy walk out that door, faster than you can “redial” and call back.

Men have self respect. So treat them how you’d want to be treated. By playing this game of “who calls who first” and “who can wait it out the longest” and “I’ll see when he starts missing me” … Really? There’s no winner in these types of games. Even if he does bend over and call you, then what? More games?

And then the relationship will start off with all guessing and games. So if that’s what your comfortable with, perhaps try asking, why do you need games?

Are you afraid that you have nothing to offer the guy? and that there is nothing that he’ll find about you intriguing that he’ll want to stay? So in order to make a guy stay, you’ll have to play games and toy with his appetite?

If so, stop playing games, and realize you have TOOONS to offer. Not just your company, but your thoughts, your passions, who you are, your past experiences, etc etc. You have a lot to offer. So stop playing games. Get some confidence in yourself, and call him back.

And if he’s not receptive. Oh well. It’s ok. It’s not a good match then! Move on, and you’ll find someone that appreciates you, not the games, but you.

Why doesn’t he call me back?

Ahh, the age old question we love to ask! Whether it be after exchanging numbers with him, or after the first date, or after calling or texting and leaving a message.

Why isn’t he calling me!?

Well, we can always tap into the movie “He’s just not that into you”, or we can ask a few of our trusted male-species friends.

1. Sometimes, they try to create a look of “coolness.” To their male ego, it’s really important for them not to appear too desperate, and they have to keep their cool, and look like they’re not in a hurry, and they’re browsing their options, etc etc. So some guys have a rule, a 3-day or 5-day rule. In other words, they will wait 3 or 5 days before calling a girl, whether it be after a great date, or after exchanging numbers. But I hear that men are more likely to adhere to this rule right after getting the girl’s number.

2. They actually do work. Men, unlike women, sometimes get lost in their work. For better or for worse. But while us as women, our minds keep drifting back to the guy, and we’re constantly checking our phones for texts or missed calls or messages, guys don’t. When they work, they work. It’s not that they don’t care about you. It’s not that their not interested. It’s just that there’s this little thing called: WORK. And in order for them to make a living, and actually have money to take you out on nice dates, they need to be at work, 100% at work. While women multi-task, and can have 50 million things on their minds at once, men don’t. Even asking husbands and wives, in the morning, the husbands go into work, and they’re gone until they come home in the evening. Don’t expect constant emails or phone calls from the office. Don’t expect little texts and notes. (This may happen in the very beginning, called the honeymoon phase… But men are workers, and they’re good workers. They take pride in their jobs and they are 100% focused and driven at work, well, most men are, but let’s not get into the exceptions, once again.)

3. They’re deciding. Chances are that there are other girls that he may be talking to. And perhaps you’re at the top of the list right now. But he really needs some time to think and debate, and list out the pros and cons… (let’s cross our fingers that they actually put THAT much thought into it.) Bottom line, he needs some time to sort out his thoughts. And if he wants more with you, he may also be starting to distance himself with the other women. So maybe he’s already leaning towards you. But you’re constant obsessing and worrying, and eventually your stalker attitude, will not help the situation.

4. He’s interested, but he’s worried you’re not. He waiting for you to make the next move. Call the man a coward, because he might be, but maybe he’s just respectful. He doesn’t want to come off too strong. He’s like to give you space and time. If he asked you out the first time, perhaps he’s waiting for you to take the initiative for the next one.

5. He’s gentle and maybe not as confident. I understand that confidence is an important and sexy trait, but not everyone is borne with it, especially when it comes to matters with the opposite sex. Maybe he needs a bit of encouragement from you. Maybe he needs some affirmation on your end. If you’re waiting for him to call you, maybe he’s waiting for you to call him. Remember that AT&T commercial? Where the guy was waiting for the girl to call him the whole week? (and AT&T showing that they always have bars everywhere, so you don’t need to worrying about missing that “important” phone call.)

6. He’s busy, because he has a life. He’s busy with his family, his friends, maybe he’s divorced and has kids… who knows?! But perhaps he does something other than sit around next to the phone all day, thinking about calling or not calling you. He had a college reunion to go to, he had things planned with his buddies, he has a business trip, or going to watch a Phillies game… Whatever it is, he may be really busy for the next couple of days. He likes you, and wants to see you again. But first, he has to finish all his work and other appointments.

7. He forgot. Don’t be upset. He’s interested. But right as he was about to call, things came up, one after another after another. Once he settles back down, he’ll remember and call. Hasn’t that ever happened to us? We really love our grandmas or brothers and sisters, and we were meaning to call them this week to wish them happy birthday or to wish them a speedy healing in the hospital, but we were swamped with things and tasks bombarding our limited 24-hour days, and so we forget… until a week later. (that’s why there are “belated happy birthday” cards.. even online ones!)

8. Maybe you just got out of a relationship, and he’s worried you’re not ready yet. Perhaps he really would like to get to know you better, but is on the fence about where you stand. Obviously, talking about these sensitive issues on a first date is quite impossible (unless you’re just that open and comfortable with sharing your own personal stories). Otherwise, maybe he would like to know you as a friend first, perhaps he has concerns. Maybe he doesn’t know what to do next. Wherever you stand, maybe help him out and let him know. Invite him for coffee? Casual hang out?

9. Perhaps, as the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” depicts, he’s just not interested. I’m not ruling that out. It’s quite possible, especially if you wait for awhile, and if you also tried contacting him.

10. BLANK. I’m leaving this one blank, because instead of creating a complete 10 reasons list, I think there are always exceptions and different situations and circumstances. This one is left blank because you may be able to fill this one out yourself. And perhaps no one else has the same occurrence, but that doesn’t matter. There’s a reason we’re all created differently…

Point being, there are many possiblities. It could be he’s just not interested. But before you go ahead and put yourself down, think about this: It could be he’s interested, and he just needs some time to call. Give him some time. But don’t wait around. And don’t obsess over “why he’s not calling” for like 20 times in one day. Its not worth it. Be the man. Do your work, and give it 100%. Hang out with your friends and family and give them 100% of your attention. Honestly, guys will come in and out of your life. But you friends and family are there to stay and support you. Also, you spend so much time worrying about him, you miss out on life, and all the fun things to do and play when you’re single! And, moreover, you may just miss out on the next best thing that walks into your life!

Lies are like Onions

“Lies are like onions, every layer makes someone cry, under every layer of lies there are still more under, you never know how many layers are still to come. Do us all a favor, quit lying.”

My younger brother actually said that, after he was cheated on by his ex.

What makes people lie?

Is it greed? Wanting it all, so we cheat and lie to get our way. Or is it fear? Fear of what may happen if we are truthful to the other person, even truthful to ourselves? Is is ignorance and being naive? Thinking that by making up a little lie will help conflict pass away and disappear?  But meanwhile, the layers start building, the fabricated story becomes a whole saga and a novel. It hurts. Every layer of it hurts. Not only does it hurt the people around us, but it hurts ourselves the most.

Why do we lie? What’s so fearful and aversive about the truth?

Is it a hidden agenda? So when you lie, you can get what you want and look how you want to appear, as opposed to just being honest?

Why do we play games this way? Eventually, its not even a game anymore. It becomes a conspiracy, it becomes this whole master plan. The guilt may consume the liar, and the lies may destroy the victim who bought into those lies.

If there is no good in lying, why do we lie?! And strangely enough, we lie the most in relationships and in love. And that is probably the most important place for honesty, trust, truth and openness, and transparency. Why do we kick ourselves in the shin? Why do we sabotage ourselves, and then run in circles in the journey of love? And we are lovesick, we are heartbroken, we are giddy, we are infatuated with love and then swallowed up in sadness. But did we do all this to each other? Are we just cycling through each other’s pains and hurt and lies and mistakes?

If its a negative cycle, how can we break out of it?

What negative cycle, you ask? Even if we stay honest and truthful and try our best to keep the integrity of the relationship and ourselves, as well as give our partners the utmost respect, what can ensure that our partners will do the same for us? Because in the case that we preserve the integrity of the relationship, the day that our partners break that trust, and shatter us completely, will we someday become that liar and the dishonest one, to shatter the next partner who comes into our lives?

How can we break away from this cycle?