My kids are … gone!

Today was the end of their program. Their parents came to pick them up, we had a presentation and a “graduation” luncheon. Very nice. But so sad that they’ll be leaving. And even with modern technology, I feel that I won’t see these kids ever again.

It’s hard when you kind of get attached. Seeing them 9am – 5pm everyday, without fail. And even during lunch. And then taking them out on field trips, and shopping, and exploring in the city, etc. Teaching them when they’re awake and alert, but also when they’re falling asleep and wiped out. Playing games with them to help them remember the material. Listening to their anxiety about exams and projects, their complaints about various things, and then comforting them. Laughing at their silly jokes, or try to keep a straight face when they’re trying to make you laugh. It’s hard not to fall hard for these kids.

All 24 of them!

They were a joy to teach, sometimes crazy and tiring, but a joy, regardless. And now that joy is leaving from my life!

I feel as though so many things are changing so fast. Coming in and out of my life. Something that I’ve taken under my wing, and loved, and now they’re gone. So soon.

One of my many favorite memories, when we walk around the city or during our field trips, I walk in front, leading the way, and my students (all 24 of them) are following in this loose, messy crowd/line thing… It really makes me feel like a mama duck with ducklings following behind. So cute, and kind of funny, too. Except some of these ducklings are taller and bigger than me. Hahah.

Oh, my high school students. I’ll miss them a lot.

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My real wound

Its raining suddenly. I had on flip flops, since it was bright and sunny and very hot the whole day, until 4pm, when clouds suddenly rolled in and it just poured. Gallons of water was pounding down. I dropped off my students, and went home. Trying to dodge the rain, I quickened my step to turn a corner. I slipped, and fell onto the ground. With only one knee that hit the ground, my other foot slid out and scraped the pebbly pavement, and sliced open my big toe.

I cautiously examine my toe, I see a cut, but no blood, just some skin flapping. Hmm, guess I’m lucky? I have thicker skin on the side of my foot next to my big toe.

I continue walking, I’m only a block away from my apartment.

I look down at my foot. Its all red right now. The blood is coming out fast. Holy crap. My foot is gushing blood. I’m starting to limp, because it hurts to walk on it. This one block usually takes less than 2 minutes, its taking me forever to get there. And its still pouring. There are huge puddles, but I can’t jump over them, because that puts more pressure and impact on my foot. Plus, the dirty water will infect my wound. Gross. I’ll just step in it with my other foot. Eww, its warm.

I’m home, I’m drenched, and I’m gushing blood. I’m going to the tub. I need to wash off all the dirt and dead skin as well as the dirty water. Hmm, its kind of stinging. I try using toilet paper, its too thin, the blood is coming too fast. I hop on one foot into the kitchen and get paper towels. Better. But its still not stopping. The bleeding is not stopping.

I start remembering the last entry I had on wound healing. (A mother’s tears) Interesting…

The blood is coming out slower now, I put some ointment on it and put a bandaid on, so I don’t get blood all over my white-beige carpet.

As I’m typing this entry, I can see the blood slowly seeping through the bandaid. There’s a thumping pain. Its dull. But it’s there. I can’t really walk about, I just try to half hop around the house.

Hmm… before, I had a wound in my heart. Now I actually have a physical wound.

Can my luck get any worse? Or perhaps this is a good thing?

I realized that the entry on the wound healing actually is true! Now I have a real wound to experience it. And maybe as my foot’s wound slowly heals, I will also be mindful and wary of how my heart heals.

My heart was slashed open. It didn’t bleed at first. There was just a lot of shock. Then, when I started to walk on it, it started gushing blood. A lot of it. That’s the acute pain, most likely. When I tried to live on without him in my life, my heart was gushing blood. Everything I did took more time now. Before, walking down that block was simple, jumping over puddles were mindless. But now, I couldn’t do it. Not because I didn’t want to, but literally, because I CAN’T.   After a few days, the gushing became dripping. Still bleeding, but much slower. I guess the tissue and paper towels are God’s words and my friends and family’s support. It was putting pressure on my wound to stop the bleeding. Though no matter how fast and how hard you press on it, inevitably there will still be blood that comes out.  Then I put some ointment on it, being careful not to touch the wound too much, and I guess that’s God’s words as well as immersing myself with friends and things I like to do. I put that bandaid on, but that quiet thumping pain (on my foot, its more like a stinging sensation… weird) is still there. And I guess that’s the chronic pain. I can’t really walk on it right now, so I hold myself up with the furniture and walls in my house. And I guess its like right now I really can’t hold myself up right now, so I lean more on friends and such.

Hmm, maybe I got this wound to help me. To help me see the natural process of a wound. And maybe as my foot heals from that nasty gash, perhaps my heart will also heal as well.

Loud music

I need loud music. Its as if the loudness of it can fill up all the space that I feel around me. I can listen to anything, POD, Skillet, anything. I’m not sure if the loud music is drowning out the loneliness or if the loudness/fullness of it helps fill room I’m in. But I need this loud music.

I feel as though I’m as thin as a piece of paper, about to blown away. My mind is so transient. I’m distracted, I can’t focus. But I want to focus. I feel as though I might float away.

This loud music is waking me up, its screaming for me. This loud music is so loud its pulling me out of my zoning out state, its anchoring me so I don’t just stare out into space and float away to oblivion.

This loud music screams away everything, it fills my emptiness, it anchors my floating being, it grabs my face and ears as it pins me down, and slaps me to make me wake up, and breathe. I need to carry on. The world goes on, and so do I. The human spirit is supposed to be stronger than we think. But, mine is wearing thin, mine is stripping down to shreds.

Loud music, scream and yell for me, pull me back so I don’t float away and go crazy. Slap me hard, so I’m not still in a daze.

Arg!! I hate this song! I hate the girl who sings this!

I love Taylor Swift, but this song is ridiculous!

Its reminds me of the that girl! That girl who he cheated with~ (Suffering and Pain) She said these things and probably all the more! I can almost imagine her voice saying these things to him. Ahhhhhhh

uhhhh, makes me so sick… I want to cry and throw up and everything all together. Disgusting. Cheating is disgusting. No matter what thoughts you use to rationalize. The guy was with his girlfriend, so leave him alone! Back off crazy brat!

You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, She’s upset
She’s going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

I’m in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I’m listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she’ll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you’ll wake up and find
That what you’re lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can’t you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?

And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you’ll wake up and find
That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can’t you see?
You belong with me

Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I’m the one who makes you laugh when you know you’re about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it’s with me.

Can’t you see that I’m the one who understand you?
Been here all along so why can’t you see?
You belong with me

Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that
You belong with me
You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me

I can’t leave

5:33pm

I can’t leave this office.

Not because I have too much work, or because I can’t finish. But I feel as though all my strength has just been drained from me.

In a slight bit, I’m also dreading to go home. I want to stay focused, yet distracted.

I can’t enough strength to get out of this chair right now. I’m not really thinking about him, but this sadness is so heavy. I’m not being “emo”, but there’s this strange heavy feeling that I can’t shake off.

I want to do something with my friends, but whatever they suggest just doesn’t seem …. “appetizing” , if that also makes any sense at all.

I need to get out of here. But I’m not sure if I want to go home. I want to get away. But I don’t know where to go.

That phrase “I can’t leave” … reminds me of how I felt sometimes in the relationship. I felt guilty for leaving and giving up so I would try my hardest. I feel so silly now.

The fearing of my God – Part 2

11:32am

So, perhaps… I should start fearing God, and thinking about what He thinks?

If I can no longer trust myself, that’s good. I can trust in my God.

To fear God means to take him at his word, knowing that he will follow through on all his promises. A person who fears the Lord is one whose decisions are guided by God.

Blessed is the man who fears the Lord (Psalms 112:2). Humility and the fear of the Lord bring wealth and honor and life (Proverbs 22:4). The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Psalm 111:10). He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life (Proverbs 14:26-27).

My fave:  Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.