Promises- Only make them if you plan to keep them

So my two friends from church got married this past weekend. Long story. It all began in June, during the groom’s bachelor party. Naturally, all his groomsmen flew in. The next day, Sunday, I met them at church. One of them in particular, Brian seems to be very interested in talking to me. But it’s church, and I’m always crazy busy. There are little children around, I have to talk to students, and moms always want to chat and say hi. In addition, I need to clean up the worship band equipment as well as welcoming newcomers and reconfirming meetings/information with other leaders. As much as I wanted to chat with him, I couldn’t spare much time.

Later that week, he friended me on facebook. Which I was unsure why, so I asked him. He started messaging me. Just platonic messages though. I said that it’ll be awesome to see him at rehearsal dinner a month later.

Month later, at rehearsal dinner, as we are ready to sit down at a table, another girl, his corresponding bridesmaid, Daisy, beelines over and sits right in between us. Awkward. Ok. I see. She’s obviously interested. I’m not one to butt in. So I remove myself from the situation and sit on the otherside of the table (it’s a round table). So I’m now sitting as far as I can from this situaion.

Come the ceremony and reception, we end up talking and hitting it off really well. Towards the end of the night, he tries to make me a promise, to which I rolled my eyes, and sarcastically said, “What? the moon and the stars?” And he says, “No, I promise you that I will come back to see you this summer.” I answer, “Um… summer is almost over.” Which then he corrects me to say summer doesn’t officially end till September. I shrug and answer, “Alright, well, I’ll believe it when I see it.”

I’m so sick of men making these promises and large gestures. Even if they mean it at the time, and with all their heart, and even swear on their mother’s grave… Sometimes, a few days later, they exclaim, “OMG! What was I thinking?!” And realized how stupid they were to make such a promise. And the girl? Oh well, they were told to believe a promise. But if they don’t, then they’re thought to be too cynical, and people will blame them and say they are just distrusting of all men, and that they’re pathetic. But if they naively believe, then the girls will be called silly and unrealisitic and gullible. So either way, a girl can’t really win. People tell us to just “take it lightly.” Ok, if we’re supposed to take promises lightly, WHY DO YOU CALL IT A PROMISE?? If it were meant to be taken lightly, then DON’T put your word on it, and don’t call it a promise. Call it… a hypothesis. Or a guess. Or a possibility. Or even a “maybe”.

Anyhow, sorry for the tangent. So you may ask, why is he promising? Can’t he just see me tomorrow? Well, not quite. He’s a surgeon up in… Michigan… middle of nowhere. Perfect.

Perfect guy, perfect everything… just wrong location. Both Taiwanese, both in medical fields, both Christian, similar values and perspectives, buuut… thousands of miles away. And I had my experience with long distance relationships (hello, NJTransit!). And this whole promise thing?! I don’t know.

He walks me home that night, and assures me that he will visit. I’m only here for the next weekend, and then I’m out of town for the next 5 weekends until Labor Day. He says we’ll see each other on Labor Day, and then proceeds to say, “Just wait for me.”     I blew up.

“Excuse me?! What right do you have to ask me to wait for you? How dare you? Have you given me any commitment or even anything?! What do you want me to do?! Pine for you?” I got so frustrated that I teared up. I got so angry just remembering not only myself but many other women and my good girl friends that have been hurt in this way. Where a guy asks them to wait, or tells them that they’ll be XYZ… and the girls will keep waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Until they are so disappointed and so angry… and at the same time, their self confidence fails. Thinking, “why isn’t he coming back? calling back? just… back? Am I not good enough? Did I do something wrong?”

Men… When you do this: give false promises, break it, and then never show up again… not only is it deceitful, hurtful, and cowardly, do you know what you do to the woman??

1. She can’t stop obsessing. She will drive herself nuts. No. Don’t try to tell her to stop and that it’s her own fault. She can’t. Most of us can’t. We will try to be distracted, and succeed for a short period, and somehow, the thought will creep right back into our brains.

2. We will question all of our actions and dissect every last detail of our past interactions with you to try to figure out what went wrong, to try to assess blame on the right moment, dialogue, thing… ANYTHING!

3. You break her. Not her heart, but her trust in men. She will have less trust for the next one that comes along. Maybe even one that actually means it.

Does she think you suck? Yes, eventually. But many times, she’ll still take your call. Does she think your a coward (which is the correct thing she should do)? No. She will initially cast blame on herself, and rack her brain, and torment herself.

Anyhow, sorry for the rant.

Come Monday morning, and he calls me. He has bought a ticket… for this weekend to Philly. To take me out. “It’s just a date. I want to take you out on a date.”
“Wait, I thought you had a wedding to go to this coming weekend?” Apparently, he canceled it because he wanted to come to Philly more.

I guess if the man is flying all the way over, buying a $897 plane ticket, he might just be for real.

(will update what happens. He arrives Friday afternoon)

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2 thoughts on “Promises- Only make them if you plan to keep them

  1. You have vented a very justified rant. Real men are men of integrity and don’t make promises lightly and keep them when they make them. This is one of the ways of discerning men and their worth.

    Don’t torture yourself when a man does not keep a promise, it is not a reflection on you but on him.
    Once you find such a man treat him with the respect that he deserves and should you marry him, take very good care of him and all of his needs.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  2. OOOooooo, I’m so excited! I loved your rant and agree with Mr. Wilder up there…it is very justified. And, I’m hoping you’ve got the recap of this weekend coming soon!

    I’ve been MIA for the last month and have a LOT to catch up on. 🙂 *grabs a bowl of popcorn, flannel blanket and gets her clicker finger ready*

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