Nope. Nada. Never. (Interesting these words all start with “N”)
A few of us were having dinner, and one of the guys told us about this ex girlfriend who was crazy paranoid. She forced him to block all his ex-girlfriends, and then proceeded to ask him to give her his password to his facebook account. When he resisted, she got furious, threw a temper tantrum, threatened to break up. All because of facebook.
Her reasoning? She was suspicious of him. She worried that he’d contact the ex girlfriends when he was lonely or if they had a fight. She was worried that he would talk to other girls and maintained friendships that were far too close.
We asked him, “Well, did she have a good reason to not trust you? Did you ever do anything… fishy? Whether it was while dating her, or from a previous relationship?” He answered no.
Now this is an interesting situation. Normally, upon hearing this, we would all sit back in disbelief and think that this girl is crazy. Which could be quite true. However, let’s take a closer look.
Could it be that this girl as reasons to doubt? Perhaps she’s been cheated on, not by this guy, but a previous relationship? (He answered no.) Perhaps her parents’ marriage was a disaster and it made her very insecure about relationships. (He also said no.) Perhaps she has very low self esteem, and can’t believe that anyone would love her. (I don’t quite buy this one… because there must be something interactions with the man that builds or tear down self image. Not entirely, I know. But there is a back and forth response.)
One possibility that I didn’t ask, but it could be true. She might have been the third person in someone else’s relationship before. She may have experienced it, but just from the other end. So she understands how vulnerable relationships can be if not carefully maintained. (Not to be taken as an excuse to be pyscho and paranoid… but….) Perhaps she’s seen the damage. Perhaps she’s seen the susceptability for all people to be tempted to cheat and lie.
Let’s zoom in more. (Think CSI or Lie to Me.) Let’s take a closer look on the guy. Perhaps his actions make her feel uncomfortable. Perhaps he’s elusive to her, either physically or emotionally. He may think she’s being absurd, because he “tells” her that he loves her, but his actions may speak otherwise. He may play a huge part in her insecurities. (Not casting entire blame, just saying that there can be contribution from his end as well.) Perhaps they have different boundaries and standards for interacting with the opposite sex. If the guy acts too close, though it doesn’t violate his “code of loyalty”, it may have already overstepped her boundaries in terms of faithfulness.
He calls her crazy. That also doesn’t help. Diminishing the other person’s concern just makes it seem like you’re hiding something. Although to the guy, it seems like he’s brushing it off because it’s not a real situation. But to her, it is a real situation, and she really was worried. And by brushing it off, it only exacerbates it. Does that mean they have to talk about every little thing that bothers her? No. She needs to also learn to be self reflective, and understand if she’s just being paranoid or being led/blinded by her own insecurities.
If he/she is asking for your passwords to your emails or facebook or any personal account/profile information, because they want to gain access to monitor your activities, don’t be too quick to call them crazy. Think for a second. Obviously it’s trust issues and insecurity issues. But that’s no reason to brush them aside and say, “Well, that’s your own issue, so you deal with it yourself.” Could it be that our actions affect our partners causing them to be paranoid because they “perceive” threat?
What if we’re the ones asking for the password? Well, ask yourself, why? Can we talk it out instead of demanding control and proof?
Me? I’ve never given out a password nor asked for one. Oh, except when purchasing things to use each other’s membership accounts, like Barnes and Noble or Travelocity!
But I like my privacy and my space, and I respect theirs. I wouldn’t want to share my account, not because I have anything to hide. But because we’re two separate people. We’re not married, not “two become one” yet. Until then, separate bank accounts and separate emails (those husband-wife emails always confuse me, I never know who’s writing to me by looking at the inbox…). Separate identities, because we’re not defined through another person~ 🙂