The very next day after I broke up, I was kind of mopey and sad, and missed him a lot. Some of my friends had told me before that my early entries in this blog really helped them when they were going through breakups and the grieving process. So, I went back to my own entries from July (July) and started reading, seeing if I can glean some comfort or encouragement or something from it.
I started reading, and I started crying.
I guess our brains have the amazing ability to help you “move on” after enduring pain, but still have an optimistic view in life. I realized as I had healed and happily moved on, that I forgot how much pain I was in during that time of break up (from the previous ex, the cheating one). As I read, I remembered how much agony I had been in. It shocked me so much how much intensity I was going through! But then, here I am, still alive and healthy and happy.
I was crying and reminiscing how those days were horrible, and how food tasted like cardboard (The pain begins), and how even the thought of a new relationship made me want to vomit (That puke-y feeling), how I felt like an empty sound, and how I would sometimes have no strength to even stand up (I can’t leave).
And then I jumped back into reality and saw where I am. Wow. I can do this. This mopey feeling is nothing compared to the excessive crying and feeling of desolation, and then later leading to a nose bleed (yes, crying too much causes swelling and increases likelihood of random nosebleeds, I don’t like crying).
I guess the blog was helpful for myself… because I’m reminded how God and I had survived through those painfully sorrowful times. Now, I have the same God and the same grace. And this break up was 100 times more peaceful and thoughtful!