Lying in the hot tub and chatting with my aunt, under the gorgeous sun and beautiful weather of Napa Valley, having a cold beer and listening to my dad’s iPod, I start to cry.
I’m angry and sad that all this has happened to me. I’m sad that he disposed me as if I were just a used rag and a dirty piece of old trash. I’m embarrassed and appalled that he has made me feel so horrible about myself all this time, worse is that I let him. And moreover, in the end, he was the one to end it and kick me out, leaving me with so little dignity left. I can’t believe that I put up with all this. My aunt says that this was the only thing that could make him feel in control, that could make him feel higher than me. In the end, when he said all this was my fault, I really can’t blame him for saying that. Because otherwise, what would he say? That it was all his fault? That it was because he just felt that insecure next to me? And that he despised me for everything that I was and that I did and succeeded in? (I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound super arrogant.) I thought he would love me more because I learned to speak, read and write Korean in less than a year, even though I’m not Korean at all. I thought he’d love me more because I became friends with all his friends, and started helping out in all the churches and retreats that he was apart of, even though I’ve never met these people and live 2 hours away from all these places. I thought he would love me more because all his aunts and both parents loved me like their own daughter, even though half the time I’m speaking broken Korean and using gestures. But perhaps that was the exact reasons that he despised me more. Perhaps because I invaded his space and threatened his territory. I never realized that by doing these things would make him feel annoyed at me. Maybe that’s why he mocked me and said I tried too hard.
I need to forgive him, so that I can also forgive myself.
Over and over again, I keep beating myself over the head, asking myself, “What in the world were you thinking?” and getting angry at myself for being so stupid. Looking at myself incredulously in the mirror, thinking, how did you ever make such a bad decision and make a judgement so off? I think to myself, maybe you’re not that smart after all, if you can misjudge a situation and so foolishly be misled for so long.
I need to forgive him, so that I can forgive myself. And even if I’ve forgiven him, I don’t think I’ve forgiven myself.
I don’t know how to forgive myself. I’ve always been the hardest on myself. I need to let go. And just rest in God. And allow God to embrace me and comfort me and that’s it. All the other things, all the questions, any regrets, I need to quiet that down.
And once again, I need to focus on God, and not on myself, the past, the relationship, or him.