One of the things that I miss most, and saddens me when I think about it, is when he used to kiss me as we were walking. This includes walking down the streets of Philly, in a park, in a NJ mall, walking out of movie theaters or restaurants, etc. Sometimes it would be a peck on the cheek, or sometimes we would stop in our tracks for 1 second and peck on the lips, other times it was me trying to scramble away and him trying pull me over to lay a big fat one on my face or forehead.
I guess these are the happy, tender moments that saddens me the most. I don’t think it’s as much because I miss it, but perhaps it’s such a sharp contrast to the current situation. Right NOW is anything but happy and peachy. Perhaps that’s what breaks me most. Because I feel as though I’m glancing back in time, like in Scrooge or in Harry Potter, and no matter how loud you call out to your past self, you can’t hear yourself. You can’t tell yourself to better cherish that moment, or to love each other more, or to not fall as hard for him, or to carefully detach yourself early on, or anything….
It’s almost like Back to the Future sometimes, too. When you’re trying to see what went wrong and when and where. But I know its a silly thing to think about. So I don’t indulge. But the memories of happy times, are actually the most heart-wrenching.
I’m quietly awaiting the miracle of my God to heal me, to mend me. So when I see these memories in my mind, I’m no longer filled with sadness and a rush of tears.
Help me stop crying. I’m not really sure why I’m crying. It’s not really because we’re not together anymore. But it’s more like… thoughts of the past, the change, the difference… Not really sure how to describe.
Last night, at church, some friends were asking me how I was doing, I smiled and said, “Well, I’m better. At least I’m not crying as much anymore!”
Talk about irony, it’s the very next morning, and I’m crying again.