Suffering and Pain

So this all started when I found out my lovable boyfriend of 2 and a half years was cheating on me with another girl who was a friend in high school. I was using his computer, and he left his outlook open, and I saw hundreds and hundreds of emails with this girl. It was filled with sentiments such as “I miss you so much”, “I want to be with you so badly”, “I can’t stop thinking about you”, “I can’t be with her [that would be me…] when I know you’re out there”. The email chain started in June 10th, and continued throughout the month till present. It eventually turned into, “I love you”, “I just want to be with you, even if its the last thing I do on earth”, etc.

As I read this, I ripped me in pieces. I couldn’t even cry because I was so shocked. It was the July 4th weekend, and I was spending the weekend and Monday and Tuesday at his house, his parents and younger brother was there as well as his roommate, who is a youth pastor in church. I was shaking, as I politely went downstairs to where my boyfriend was sitting with his family, and asked if he could come up to his room for a second to help me with a question about the computer. He came up, I confronted him. He asks me, “Did you read my email?” I answered yes.

Few weeks before, suddenly, he had mentioned that he’s so tired now and he’s not sure what he wanted so he wants to end things. I was also equally as shock. But I attributed this behavior to the fact that he hasn’t had a job for over 1 year and is in constant financial struggle and stress. Also, that he stays home every day, and sometimes can go throught the day without even leaving the house once. He has trouble sleeping and is losing appetite. My mother is a psychologist. We think maybe he has depression? I said, I know this is a rough time for you, but we’re in this relationship together and I want to support you through this. I would be a horrible girlfriend if I left you during your worst state.

He said he didn’t feel the same about me anymore. I said love isn’t about feeling, but a lot of hardwork and effort and learning from both ends. I said, lets try to work things out. Lets try to find whats been bothering us or hindering us. Also, I felt that we really needed to recenter our relationship in God again. We always pray together, but we haven’t done devotionals together in a long time. I asked him, is there someone else? He answered no.

After much talking and persuasion on my part, he agreed to give it 2 more months, and really try our best to save this relationship. You see, we were about to staff this youth retreat in August. He was going to lead the music and I was leading all the teaching material. We thought it best to at least stay together till then.

Back to the midnight of Monday, just barely 36 hours ago, when I found all the emails. I asked him politely if he was cheating. He asks about the emails, then says “See? That’s why I tried to end it a few weeks ago! But you wouldn’t let me!” Strangely, the emails started over 2 weeks before our conversation about breaking up and staying together and working hard on it, I say. Did you kiss her? He nodded. I needed fresh air. I took his car keys, since I am carless and not in my own city, and said I needed to go out for a sec. His brother’s car was blocking the driveway, so I had to ask him to move the car, which is when his parents were asking, where are you going? its past midnight! I smiled and waved it off as I just need to go out real quick. His mother came over quickly and grabbed my arm and asked frantically, whats wrong? what happened?

Before I knew it, I was on his brother’s car along with his mom, driving to who knows where. I was crying, my heart was feeling ripped into shreds. After I told them what I had found, all three of us sat there, still in shock. His mother kept repeating, “I can’t believe this. All this time, I’ve just been waiting for you guys to get married. I can’t believe this.” His brother also commented, “what?! this can’t be happening. I would think I’m more likely to pull something like this, but I’d never expect him to do such a thing.” His roommate texts me, I tell him what happened. He’s in shock, he begs me to come back to the house, since its been over 30 minutes.

We’re home. I go upstairs, and asks him, “How can you do something like this?!” and a series of other questions. He angrily defends himself, “I told you before that I wanted to break, you wouldn’t let me! This is your fault!” I said, “But your reasons for breaking up before was different! You were blaming me! You made it seem it was something that I did. I asked if there was another person and you said no.” I go downstairs to take a breather and talk to his pastor roommate. A few minutes later, my lovable boyfriend comes down, with all my bags packed, about to kick me out of the house at 1am. His father and brother stops him, saying “Its 1 am! are you crazy? don’t be ridiculous. She can go home tomorrow, as planned, why are you doing this?” His father and him are standing face-to-face in the doorway, and they talk quietly but forcefully. I tell him I refuse to leave, anyway. So unless he is pulling me out, I’m not going anywhere.

After a few minutes, my boyfriend walks into the kitchen, where I was sitting on the countertop. We talk quietly. I ask him about the sequence of events, and most importantly, I asked him why. The kiss happened because they were a bit drunk and old feelings from high school came back, they used to have crushes on each other. The emails, well, he just didn’t feel that much for me anymore, so it wasn’t hard for him to fall for another girl, even though we were still in a committed relationship. He’s been sneaking out of the house to see her, as I read in the emails. And spending money that he didn’t have on her. Yet all this time, whenever we’d go out, I’d try to help pay, since I didn’t want him to fall deeper into debt. But during all this time, he was spending the little money that he had on her. He wouldn’t drive to Philly to visit me, yet would drive to see her. My mind was exploding. Did you mean everything? Because if you didn’t and you want to try this relationship again, as crazy as I sound, I’m willing to work through this, though it may be hard. He said he meant it all. My heart fell. We talked a bit longer, I said I need to go to sleep. This is too much.

I go upstairs, I’m staying in his room, and he’s sleeping on the couch. His roommate is staying in the basement. I talked with his roommate a bit, I cried a lot.

I walk into his parents’ room, asking if I could talk with them. They are both shocked and extremely upset. His whole family and my family have been rooting for us. Just on Sunday when all his aunts came over for a BBQ, they were joking about what our baby would look like, and was asking me to hurry and have a child. All of our friends were rooting for us, many were in prayer for us, knowing that we were going through rough times. All this, but no one predicted this happening. To many, he’s the last person anybody would think to cheat, and purposefully hide it and conitnue it. His father wants to take him to the Jersey shore, so that he can push my boyfriend into the water and get him to wake up. His mom just continues to apologize and says that she’s gonna kick his  butt. She’s furious at this girl and is in shock at her son.

Its now 3am, I return to my room. My boyfriend is driving me back to Philly tomorrow. I have a meeting at 4:30pm, so I need to leave before then. I can’t get a hold of my mother who’s in Taiwan, and the time there is 3pm. I call my dad, who’s in a business meeting. He calls me back. I tell him what happened. My parents loved my boyfriend. My dad says to trust God. And that its probably for the better that God is pulling me out of this relationship right now.

I’m in pain. How can God do this? We started our relationship so carefully and in God’s sight with much blessings from our pastors and parents and in a lot of prayer. Our relationship has blessed so many people, and God has used it to teach and comfort many. But now, the very thing that glorified Him is now turning into an ungly monster?

I counsel people, and when they are suffering and ask why, I say, God is in control, He has a plan. Ok, so if God is in control and had a plan, couldn’t he have pulled me out earlier from this relationship instead of waiting till now? Couldn’t He have stopped it right from the beginning? Why did He bless our relationship and allow it to blossom and to be good?

My father said, God is not causing you heart break, your boyfriend did that. His sin has caused you to feel all this pain. Then my quesion is: Why? Why would my loving God the Father allow his beloved precious daughter to be hurt in this way?

I cry and I stop and then I start crying again. Its 7am, I still can’t sleep. I’m now on the phone with my mother. She started crying when she found out, and her heart is breaking for me. She tells me that its normal to have so many questions. And the most important one is, “What now?” She tells me that God’s hurting more by seeing me go through this. I finally start dozing to her voice.

I’m up at 9:30am. I’m online. I notify a few of my close friends at church about what just happened. And I tell a few of his friends who became close friends of mine also what happened. Its a shared sentiment. Everyone is shocked, pulling their hair out shock. Some are angry at him, some are just very sad, others are very worried about me.

I feel like an orphan. And orphan in God’s Kingdom. Where is God when it hurts? (yes, I know that’s a Phillip Yancey book) Why did He bless me, and then let it cut me.

I suddenly have a picture of Abraham and Isaac. Okay, I get it, so I’m the “Abraham” and my boyfriend is the “Isaac”. He was given by God and can be taken away by God. I’m sure Abraham was not all chirpy the nights that led up to the sacrifice of Isaac. I guess its normal to feel this pain. But still, it wasn’t like Isaac cheated on Abraham!

His mom makes pancakes and urges me to eat some. I have no appetite, but still try to stuff in a few bites as I smile and say these are so good! What is the saddest is that I’ll have to say goodbye to many of the good people who have taken such good care of me and have been so good to me. And the many friends that I’ve made through my boyfriend, I now have to see them less. I hope we don’t have to choose sides… that’s always horrid. I look around the house to make sure I get everything, since I often leave things here because I visit a lot. I have a set of items, like my own perfume, toothbrush, feminine products, etc that I keep in stock there. I start putting them all away into my bags.

We are about to leave for Philly. The whole family wants to come “just for the ride”. His roommate want to come, too. He wants to support us. 6 of us pile, illegally, into a car. We start the 2 hour drive.

I get back to Philly, my boyfriend helps me carry my stuff into my Center City apartment. I gently joke, so this might be the last time you see this apartment! 🙂 And suddenly, he starts to cry. I’m in shock. I take his hand and pat his back, comforting him, telling him it will be alright. (wait a second! why am I the one who’s comforting?!) We walk down, I give him a minute to dry his eyes before we get back into the car with his family. They drive me to my meeting.

I bow to the dad (they are Korean) and I thank them for taking such good care of me. My mother wanted to pass on her gratitude to them as well, so I do that as well. His roommate hugs me tight and tells me to keep in touch and call him anytime. His brother waves bye. My boyfriend hugs me one last time, for a long time and tightly. I start to tear, but hold myself, because I have a meeting. I need to get my act together quick.

I have 2 meetings, actually. The second one is at church.

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6 thoughts on “Suffering and Pain

  1. I’m crying now. So sorry that you’ve had to go through this, but happy that you are being so mature about it. God loves you, and you will emerge from this stronger, better, and more holy than ever. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you recovery and healing. May God hold your hand and carry you through. I know you’ll emerge a survivor. I know it. You’ll look back on this and know that God is amazing and refined you with something painful because He loves you. Hugs.

  2. This is like reading about what happened to me last summer. I know how it feels. My heart aches for you I’m very sorry this has happened. Be strong.

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