Women hash things out, Men get over it

I’ve recently realized, that for women, closure may mean to talk everything out, and reach some type of understanding. But for men, closure may not require such things. Sometimes, they just need some time, let if fade, and slowly work back into the relationship. So what about the problem? No need to hash it out and talk it over and reach some sort of agreement? Nope. They leave it as is. Don’t touch it, don’t talk about it.

Hmm,  as a woman, that leaves me infinitely uncomfortable.

“But what about the misunderstandings? And the miscommunications? How can we prevent this from happening again? Are we okay now?!”

So many questions are flooding through our heads. But the guys? This is how some see it:

“Well, I now know that this is a topic of disagreement, or when I do this, she’ll get upset.” or “I now realize this is a touchy subject, and will try to steer clear of it.”

And then…. that’s it.

Seriously. That’s it.
They see no need to revisit and reopen the whole issue and to talk about it and reach a common understanding.

For us, we like to verify: “Does this make you upset? How can I avoid this in the future, and how can WE work together?”

I guess guys just take it upon themselves that they’ve gathered enough information to avoid it, and it’s their own responsiblity, not about working together or anything, but that they themselves, alone, will figure out a way, and brave it alone.

So maybe that’s the reason why women need closure through talking and hashing it through. Whereas men just come to a conclusion in their own heads (regardless if it’s verified or not), and then go on out to execute.

So maybe it’s not really “getting over” persay. Perhaps it’s more big-headed, thinking they have the answers and the solution?

Platonic Men and Women friendships?

Ahh, the age old million dollar question. Can men and women just be friends?

Well, there are quantifying statements to help explain better.

At one given moment, perhaps a man and a woman can be purely friends, but when you take away the snapshot and look at long term, the answer may be different.

At some point, one will fall for the other, but the other is not interested. And then later, if the friendship sustains and survives, perhaps the other person will fall for the first person, but that person has already moved on. And then it continues, guy likes girl, then switches, girl likes guy, until one day, theylike each other at the same time. And then?

So even if they were friends for some moments, over time, there will be attraction.

Why do I say this?

Lets switch into a situation.

Jeff and Jenn are good friends. Both are dating each other. When Jenn gets in a fight with her boyfriend, she vents and talks to Jeff. Jeff, being Jenn’s friend, listens intently and is always on Jenn’s side (hey, what are friends for). Jenn and boyfriend starts having more issues, Jenn starts running to Jeff to talk more. And now, Jenn’s starting to think, “Wow, Jeff is a great guy! See? He understands what I’m talking about! Unlike my insensitive boyfriend!” Now Jeff may be entirely enamored by his current girlfriend and is truly just being a good listener and a friend for Jenn. But, it’s a slippery slope. Jeff may also start thinking, “Man, this guy is treating Jenn so badly. She’s such a great girl! I love her as a friend! Man, if I were her boyfriend, I’d treat her so much better!”

Oops, mistake number 1. We’re going down the slope.

Say Jenn and boyfriend breaks up. What’s Jenn going to do now? Find Jeff? Ask him to console her? comfort her?

And Jeff’s response? Comfort and console his friend? or realize that this is going down a slippery slope? Jeff starts wanting Jenn? Isn’t that cheating? Since Jeff is not a single man?

Platonic friendships?

Hmm, very very rare. And I think if we’re going to call it friendships, it’ll be the more surface level type, and not the heart-to-heart, venting type.

“Are we spending way too much time together?”

When two people are in love and dating, when is spending time together going overboard?

Hopefully, the two people still have contact with the outside world. But where’s the balance?

If you have a girl or guy friend, that disappears once they’re dating, and everytime you see them, they show up in a pair (couple style all-the-way), is that frustrating or irritating?

But it’s also not good if the couple only sees each other once a week, if they live in the same city, that is. (Long distance relationships don’t apply here…)

So whats the measurement? How to measure? Do you measure that the amount of time spent together has to equal the amount of time spent apart? Or do we say the amount of time spent together has to equal the time spent with other friends in total (so quality alone time does not get categorized into either group)? Or do we measure the couple’s alone time together should be equal to the time they spend together with friends/family and equal to the time they spend time separately with friends/family?

Couple’s Time (total of alone & public time) = Time separate (total of alone and friends/family time)

Couple’s Time (total of alone & public time) = Time separate with friends = Time separate – Time alone

Couple’s Time (alone time) = Couple’s Time (public time) = Time separate with friends/family

Spending too much time together can be great for the couple, or it could be harmful. The couple can become detached from reality, or they can get really annoyed with each other in the long run (since they have no personal time and space), they can also jeopardize their previous friendships and relationships that were vital and significant to them before the start of the relationship. In the end, they can live in their own little world that is distant and disconnected from the people around them and from the people who care about them. It can be quite hazardous as we are to live in a community of people, not a community of one other person.

Spending no time together is never good for the relationship, but spending all your time together and being attached at the hip is also unhealthy.

When is it a healthy balance and when does it become an unhealthy extreme?

What’s your equation?

Marrying against your family’s will: Romantic or Irresponsible?

Now some people may say this is so romantic because love conquers all. But lets step back and be grown ups for a sec, now can we?

You want to get married but your family is very much against it. Your response?

A. Ignore and go ahead with it anyway. With or without them.
B. Try to explain to your parents why you feel this is the person you should marry and want to marry and hope they will except them over time. Discuss it with you family thoroughly, and though they still don’t see eye to eye, you have all had ample time to express opinions and listen to each other. Get married after discussion and hope time will help.
C. Try to talk with you parents, realize that it will take much more than just a few weeks, and continue dating the person, but not rush into the marriage. Wait for parents to finally accept the other partner before going ahead and planning the engagement and marriage.

Now most romantics may think they’ll want Scenario A. But is that really what wins out? As romantic as it is at that moment, perhaps the parents have a point. Should we listen to them and give them a chance to express their opinion? Afterall, this is the 21st century when everyone and their mom has a say in today’s global events and event, both politically, socially, environmentally, and financially. Wouldn’t we want to at least listen to them, since they may have a good point, and they are probably the few in the world that want nothing more than the best for us? And would even die for us.

I have friends that broke up or canceled their engagement because the family did not support it. And it was even over things that many people may find petty, for example, not being the same ethnicity, not the same religion, not the right education background/level, etc. How about that? Can one say that these people just “didn’t love the other person enough” ? Or maybe we can say that perhaps these people have respect and regard for those that brought them up and gave their children their life? And perhaps the kids weren’t just selfishly thinking about themselves and about what they want, and as spoiled brats do “I can get whatever I want, because I said so.” (How many “I”’s appeared in that sentence?!)

End of the day, there’s no real answer, but I do support the decision in respecting our parents and at least talk and discuss with them, and not being immature and boisterous, thinking, “if I just go ahead and elope/get married, there’s nothing they can do. They just have to eat it!”

I think when you disregard the people around you and the people who care about you, and just run off and get married (making a big life decision), I don’t think it’s romantic at all. I think it’s immature, irresponsible, and just plain selfish.

How you start the relationship, is it important?

I have friends pondering over the value and sustainability of their romantic relationship.

We got into a discussion:

How did your relationship start? Why are you with the person you’re with right now?

We got some varying answers:
1. We have a lot of fun together.
2. We were really good friends, and were spending so much time together, it just seemed like the natural step.
3. We admire each other and how we both love life.
4. One person pursued the other, and the other was interested as well, so decided to give it a shot.
5. We have so many common interests.
6. We are practically the same person! We have the exact same background and beliefs and values, or religion and faith.

So… does it really matter how the relationship starts?

Some people say yes. Reasons? Because that’s the foundation of the relationship. That’s the basis of the whole thing. That’s where it relationship was born into existence, so therefore, it’s what defines the relationship and its development there on out.

Others say no. Why? Because though that was what peaked the initial interest and attraction, many things change and develop over time. Both sides get to know each other more deeply and intimately, but they also get to know themselves more through their partner. The initial thing may be what brought them together, but what happens later on is what builds and defines the relationship.

So what do you think? The start of the relationship is the seed of the plant? So the fruit and color and height is determined and defined by the type of seed (its genetic component). Or is the start of the relationship just the means of bring people together, kind of like the wind which helps mate and breed various seeds, thus not knowing what type of plant/fruit it will result in.

Jealousy or Competition?

The story starts out on a birthday.

Amanda is having a huge party at this restaurant lounge and bar. 60+ of her friends are there, as is her boyfriend. Halfway through the party, she is completely drunk and one of her guy friends, Brad, is whispering in her ear and giggling around with her. Her boyfriend is not too happy at this scene, so taps Amanda and tries to get her to snap out of it. She has no idea what he’s talking about, so the boyfriend grabs her wrist and tells her to stop. Amanda starts crying. She’s in the bathroom puking and crying with her friends trying to console her.

The boyfriend and a few friends end up taking her home and the boyfriend volunteers to stay with her over night, however, he ditches around 2am. Amanda wakes up around 3am, puking again, and by herself, scared because she has no idea what had just happened. She tries to call her boyfriend but he doesn’t pick up. He finally texts her to just go back to sleep, everything will be okay.

Next morning is horrible for her. She tries to get in touch with the boyfriend, but he still isn’t answering. Finally he calls her, and tells her what happened. Except… she has NO recollection. She can’t remember Brad being all touchy with her, she can’t remember the crying, or the  fighting.

They boyfriend uses this to his advantage and continues to accuse her that she disrespected him in front of all her friends by being flirty with Brad. She apologizes over and over again, saying that it’s all her fault and she’s sorry, she shouldn’t have gotten so drunk. The boyfriend says he wants a break up. Amanda is startled. Breaking up just over this? Plus when she was drunk? And during her birthday!?

Amanda is in shock and also at a loss, since she has no memory of the events that happened that night, she has no way to explain, defend, or do/say anything towards his accusations.

She talks to one of her guy coworkers. And this is what he explains.

Guys aren’t just being jealous in this situation. It’s now become a competition. The boyfriend views Brad as taunting him and being smug that he “got” his girl. The boyfriend is angry and feels disrespected because he feels Amanda is letting him lose in the competition by flirting with Brad. So instead of simple jealousy, this has now become a competition and Amanda has become an object.

So that gets me thinking. So the source of jealousy for girls really is jealousy. But for men, can it be that more than jealousy, it’s more like a competition? And that the emotions and anger and jealousy that stirs up is due to the competition (over the object/girl). So that the motivation and incentive is NOT jealousy itself, but the competitive nature between men that stirs up fights and arguments and bad blood?

I know it seems almost the same thing, but if you think about it, it’s slighty different. They may be expressed similarly, but the base of the two are different. Jealousy is spurred by wanting something that you don’t have or upset that someone gets something you don’t have. Competition is wanting to win, regardless if that item was yours or not yours (or if there even is a prize). Competition is overlooking to award/prize and just focusing on beating your competitor.

So simply said, Amanda could be there or not there, but the competition is between the two men, who’s main goal is not “to get Amanda”, but to beat out each other. Somehow, Amanda was the cause of the competition, but eventually, she can be out of the picture. And therefore, Competition is the main source of the conflict and anger, NOT jealousy.

Competition

Gift Ideas for your boyfriend’s parents

So after spending Christmas with my boyfriend’s parents, and laboriously obsessing over what to give, I finally gave this:
1. Chopstick set in a fancy wrap case.
2. Chocolates from Hokkaido, the northern island of Japan.
3. An Espirit scarf/wrap, silk mixed cotton, beautiful blend of color and embroidery.

So their tradition is to sit around the Christmas tree and open presents together.

My boyfriend has an older brother, and his girlfriend has been around the family for 3 years. So she has a close relationship to the parents, and so I was earnest to learn what she gave and got as presents for the parents.

This is what I saw:

She gave:
1. Slippers
2. Pajama set
3. Scarves/Gloves set
4. Mp3 player
5. Socks

This is what her sons gave her:
1. Sweaters
2. Jewelry
3. Perfume (though she didn’t like it)
4. Pyrex set
5. Wine glass sets

This is what she gave the other girlfriend:
1. Spice set
2. PJs
3. Mugs
4. Lotion/Bath sets
5. Blankets

Ahhh, so this is what they give!

So generic gifts are ok! And it doesn’t have to be overly personalized and laboriously obsessed over.

I see.

Got it.

I’ll remember for next year…

Except, that’s just not my giving style.

I love giving sets, well thought out and designed, etc.

But I guess we’re all different… Oh well. We’ll see.

Christmas Activities

So as a third culture kid, we get this awkward situation of Christmas.

In the US, Christmas is by far the largest holiday, most widely celebrated, most crazily prepared and most money spent on. However, Christmas holds a very different weight in other cultures, well, all other countries, pretty much. In other countries, there is the celebration, there are purchasing and giving of gifts, there are Christmas trees. But there really isn’t the laborious dinners, the month long preparations, the overly festive light decorations, the enormous dollar amounts that are spent to prepare and spend Christmas. Most importantly, there really isn’t such things as “long family traditions” that repeat themselves every year during Christmas.

But in the US, every family has some type of tradition. Either open presents together on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, or each person opens one at night, and the rest tomorrow, or going to Christmas service together either on the 24th or the 25th. Also, with meals, the Christmas Eve dinner, or the Christmas morning breakfast/brunch, or the Christmas Day dinner, etc etc. And let’s not forget the baking of pies, cookies, bread, cakes…

But when I’m asked about our family traditions, we really didn’t have them. As an asian person, our family gatherings were more around all the asian historical days (calling them holidays sounds a bit demeaning… they’re lunar days that remember certain events or customs. So perhaps calling them customs would be more appropriate.) Anyhow, so for Christmas, we usually are all doing church activities. Growing up, we went to a large church, and the main sanctuary had to be shared. So on the night of the 23rd, there’s always the children’s program and performances, and then the night of the 24th was the youth program, and then on the night of the 25th, its the adult program. Each service can run up to 2 hours, it had skits, performances, live band and MCs to host, sometimes a sermon/sharing/testimony, and always a reception at the end.

So thinking back on my Christmases, I always spent a whole lot of time at church, preparing for the special services, ushering, singing, rehearsing, something. Always something. So honestly, we didn’t have family tradition. Our family spent all our Christmas days (and the before and after days) in church.

Sometimes, when I explain this to people here in the US, they give me a pitiful look, and say, “Oh, well, that’s unfortunate.” But when I think back, it wasn’t unfortunate, if anything, it was fulfilling. It meant so much more. Bringing Christmas cheer to a lot of other people in our community. Our services were opened for everyone and anyone, and usually our church was flooded with people who’s never been to church and/or never heard what the true Christmas story of Jesus. I’m not blasting anyone else’s traditions, because I have been lucky enough to be invited to join various families and their traditions over the years. But I realized, for me, growing up, Christmas wasn’t just about stuffing our faces, tons of family members hanging out with each other, same after every year, exchanging many many gifts, with torn gift wraps and ribbons and bags. I spent a lot of Christmases rehearsing, remembering the Christmas story, comforting the lonely and the broken, spreading the Christmas story. Not the Santa and presents and decoration part, but the Jesus Christ part. Being born, being remembered, and us being saved.

I think I have a Christmas tradition, too. It may not be the big family dinners and mountains of presents. But just the same, they were great memories and precious moments.

Embarrassed to be practicing? But it pays

On Food Network, they have these cake challenges, where you have to make/build a cake in like.. 10 hours, to fit a theme. Like Edible Ornaments, or Ice Age Movie Theme, or Christmas Season, etc.

So in the “Edible Ornaments” episode, this on contestant said that she practiced hard at home, over and over again. And on some days, she would spend 20 hours / day practicing and preparing for this contest (wow, 4 hours of sleep? I’d die…). There were 4 rounds. She was number 1 for every single round. It was amazing. She was so calm and well paced.

I just was really touched by the fact that she was rewarded for her effort. I think nowadays things sometimes are a bit hay-wire.

1. Many people look for the short cut, the detour, the easy way to get to the top or to finish first. Not always the honest way or the dignified way, but people take it anyway. And when they do win (momentarily, because it eventually will catch up to them) they look back at their other honest opponents, and mock them, saying they’re not “witty” or “savvy” or “coy” enough, and even goes further to say “you just don’t have it within you”.

Cut throat means aggressive and hardworking, but when did it mean dishonest?!

I think that’s a horrible message to send, about ourselves, and to the younger generation (which seems to be the case), that cutting corners and going through “the backdoor” and smart (i.e. deceptive) scheming will help you get on top and win. We sometimes celebrate people who “win at all cost”. But really? when all integrity and morals are out the door? Do we still celebrate that type of success and “win”? Or maybe we’re just materialistic, and all we see is the result, and not the means. But what about that old saying: “The end doesn’t justify the means” ?

Why don’t we just kill of all the poor and old and weak and dumb? Because then we’ll just have rich and young and strong and smart people running the world? Wouldn’t it be a lot easier!? We’re just trying to “make the world a better place”. Yah, sure. Except… it doesn’t justify murder, doesn’t justify that type of thinking.

So why is okay to cheat and lie your way up? Give up any self respect? To sell your soul and along the way, throw in your friends and family as part of the payment, too?

2. People are now sometimes embarrassed that they worked hard to earn to get where they are. Sounds confusing? Let me use a simple example, testing taking.

In college, or high school, or even standardized testing like SATs or GREs. Have you ever heard “that” guy in your class say something like, “Oh my gosh, I totally didn’t study. Dude, I’m totally going to fail.” And then they end up doing super well? And then you find out that he took a prep course, or studied his butt off that summer?

Or maybe that friend of yours, where you’re taking the same course with, and the night before the exam, he tells you, “Dude, I’m totally going to go out drinking. I don’t need to study. It’ll be so easy.” Except you later find out, that he actually had already studied the day(s) before… And of course, he does quite well. And you, if silly enough to believe him, didn’t study (to be like him, “cuz if I go down, at least he’ll be with me”), and silly you, failed the exam and also the class. Dope. Should of studied, regardless what he told you.

Or in sports, when we talk about an athlete. Do we feel more awe with a person that had never practiced the sport/played the sport ever? So he was a born natural? Or the guy that threw a football ever since he was 3?

So why don’t these people just ‘fess up and say that they studied/practiced. A LOT. ?

a. Are they embarrassed that they care so much? So they’re trying to play it cool? (And somehow, going in unprepared is now defined as “cool” ??)
b. Are they trying to act super smart? Like they can ace every test without studying?
Or does being a natural just seem that much cooler/better?
c. Are they trying to overcompensate, because they need to study/practice more than you, so trying to make up for it?
d. Are they actually just malice (and not your friend…) and trying to throw you off? (I truly hope its not this one…)

WHY the cover up? Why are they embarrassed to be preparing and practicing?

If anything, it does not show weakness or incompetence. Quite the contrary. It shows diligence, good planning, responsibilities, and hopefully, it gets (and should be!) rewarded.

But maybe that’s me fighting for that just and fair world…

Reason why wine has a 300% markup

Because there are phonies.

I used to think that restaurants marked up alcohol (especially wine) due to the demand. While that may still be true, I found out another huge reason why.

I was chatting with my friend who used to serve at this very nice restaurant where bottles can sell from $400 – $1000. He told me even though the cost of the single bottle wasn’t that much (obviously), however, since they only sold by the bottle, once opened, you cannot reseal or resell by glass.

But why would you need to?

Well, thanks to the phonies, who think that they are classy wine connoisseurs, when in reality, they don’t have that good a palate as they think.

So when you’re spending money on a bottle, you can always, taste the wine, and then say something along the lines of “I think this wine has gone bad.” or “Its not right. Give me another one.” And then away with the old bottle, and in comes a new one.

And unfortunately, regardless if you can actually tell or not, the restaurant has to chuck the bottle and reopen a new bottle at your table (that’s why they bring the bottle to your table, cork screw and all, and open it right in front of you, to show its a brand new bottle). So the bottle that just got sent back cannot be resold to anyone. Either it’s down the drain or, more likely, down the chefs’, servers’ and staffs’ bellies.

So whats the problem? The wine was bad! Take it back!

Well, I had friends that were bartenders or servers, and this is what they told me. Sometimes, when people order by the glass, they might send it back, and say it’s not right. The bartender or server will pour them another glass but (shhh!) from the exact same bottle!! And guess what? The customer tastes the new glass of wine (from the same bottle as the previous one) and exclaims. “Ahh, much better.”

Really?! Phonies!

Did you really taste a difference? Probably not. It was the same thing! You just were acting like your palate could tell. But, no. You’re just ordinary.

Its not as bad when they get by-the-glass. But when they go for the bottle, and pull this phony attitude trick thing, bham! The restaurant eats the cost. There goes another perfectly good bottle. All because some schmuck thought he had a good palate and was “trying” to show it, and thought he could taste the difference. But alas, $50 cost of that bottle down the drain. And who pays? All patrons of that restaurant who want that bottle. $150 please. Pay up. Even the non-fussy ones who just want to drink that darn fine wine, and guess what? We can keep the first bottle, it’s fine. Thank you. Sheeeesh….

I hate jewelry commercials on tv

It usually is playing on tv. But during holiday season, it is bombarding every single tv station.

That Jared Jewelers commercial? Or that Littman Jewelers commercial of the 2 lovers skating? Or fun little mom and dad commercials from Kay “Every kiss begins with Kay”? (I know you’re humming that line as you read that.)

Now, it’s 100 times more frequent on every channel.

As sweet as it is, it drives me nuts!!

1. Its super awkward when you and a boyfriend are watching tv or a movie, and that commercial comes on. Its like, umm, yah, ehh, ok. As the girl, we may be thinking “Is he getting me jewelry this holiday?” or “Um, I hope he doesn’t think I’m wanting jewelry (or a ring!) for Christmas… I’m not ready, ehh, weird…” or “Is he feeling awkward? Gosh, I hope he doesn’t feel awkward!”
And then the guy might be thinking “Stupid sappy commercials, always pressuring guys to buy jewelry. Must be an ad designed by women, or at least to get women.” or “Um, I hope she’s not thinking that I’m gonna get her jewelry… cuz I’m not.” or “Dang it! Did she want jewelry?! I totally bought the wrong thing. But I’m not ready for the jewelry step yet…” or “…. ” nothing, sometimes guys minds are blank… and they totally just missed that commercial, and you were the only one frettin’.

2. As a girl, I can honestly say, “I DON’T ALWAYS WANT JEWELRY!!!” But those stupid commercials make it look like we want them, always, and we thrive on them, and we feed off of it. NOT TRUE!

3. Okay, we didn’t want it before, but now… you just made us want it! WTH? Now the commercial makes us have false expectations and false hopes of getting jewelry. But I’m a cool girlfriend. I don’t need jewelry, and quite honestly, jewelry is kinda a uncreative gift idea. Stupid commercials! Stupid holiday gift propaganda!!

4. Why does it always have to portray a guy getting a girl jewelry? I live in the 21st century. If I really want something, I can go and get it myself. Especially if it’s jewelry and something that I’m picky about (not talking about the ring, but earrings and necklaces and bracelets, etc.) Jewelry gift story. I make money, I can pay for it, I can pick it. I don’t have to wait for a guy to buy things for me. Girls that make their boyfriends pay for their shopping.
What about a daughter or a son buying their mother jewelry? or friends giving each other gifts for graduation or weddings or some special occasion? Why does jewelry stores only market to guy giving a girl??

5. There are so many other very thoughtful and romantic gifts (more thoughtful than just jewelry). Some which are even more expensive and pricey than jewelry! (Jewelry is such an easy out. You can get it at any mall and for any price range.) For example, a vacation trip? or a car? (yes, that’s probably one awesome gift from a spouse!!) or spa treatment? (much more practical and thoughtful) or… my personal 2 favorites: something that you always wanted, but never really had the time or money to get it/find it; and something that you never expected, but they noticed it (somehow in conversation/nonverbal cues or just has awesome observational skills) and got the perfect thing you wanted/needed.             PS. and it WASN’T jewelry… get the message??

What to give your boyfriend’s parents for Christmas?!

Its hard enough finding a gift for you boyfriend for Christmas. But try buying a gift for his parents!!

I’m spending Christmas eve and Christmas Day with his family (since my family is overseas). So as many suggest, if I bring over a bottle of wine, its more of a hostess gift, something that I give on Christmas Eve, when the whole extended family is there.

But what about come Christmas Day? When people are exchanging gifts? I already know the mother is buying me something. I need to find her something!!

Here are some suggestions: (and included are my rebuttals…)

1. Wine
(Yes, I realize its a good choice. And I will bring a bottle as a gift. She likes white wines. But I’ll be giving that to her Christmas Eve, beginning of the Christmas dinner. But what about Christmas Day?)

2. Gift Cards
(Apparently, the boyfriend thinks gift cards are impersonal and lame. So I have to assume that applies to his parents as well.)

3. DVD
(I could get them a Christmas movie. I know they love Christmas DVDs. But how will I know their taste? There are a ton of horrible movies out there!)

4. Coffee / Tea Basket
(She doesn’t drink coffee, but loves her tea. However, she sticks to her Lipton, and is never quite that interested when I introduce her to exotic teas. STEAP tea, anyone? When it costs $6 for 2 ounces of tea… I need to make sure she’ll like it.)

5. Some Calcium Replenishment?
(I know she currently has a calcium deficiency issue, but is gifting someone that too … weird? Overly medical? And overly practical?)

6. Cheese basket
(Once again, this is quite a personal preference…)

7. Nail set
(We always talk about how French manicures always chip and how annoying it is. I told her about these kits where you can fix the tips yourself at home. She says she has shaky hands, and her eyes are going bad…)

8. Homemade Cookies
(Too bad I didn’t think ahead. The one type of cookies I love and bake, I already brought over a tub of them last week for Sunday dinner…)

9. Bath /  Lotion Set
(Sounds super cute and safe. I even have a Victoria Secret coupon for this. However, does it seem to… impersonal? and typical?)

This doesn’t look quite promising. HOPELESS! Maybe I’ll do a mix and match basket? With tea, lotion, cookies, and nail tip fixer?!

Someone once told me to give people what they want, not what they need. But seriously… aren’t we to think practical here too? I don’t want to have my gift re-gifted or shoved in a closet/shelf for 5 years.

I find strength in my work

Some people are like birds that can’t be cooped up. They need to fly free every once in awhile. Some people are big dreamers, and sometimes they need to daydream up a storm and let themselves go. Then after, they return, rejuvenated and refreshed. Ready to tackle their work.

But for me, I thrive in my work. I feel empowered and alive. I feel independent and capable. It feels like the only place I am in control. All my meetings, all my appointments, conferences, lectures, talks, teachings. All these things I can manage and control, and most importantly, I can decide when to deliver and HOW to deliver. Everything can happen in my way and at my time.

Now on relationships. I’m dead.

There are no appointments, no planner, no scheduling. I can’t predict, I can’t control, I can’t even resolve it sometimes. I feel scared because of all the parameters and dozens of degrees of freedom.

I’m not like a bird, where I need to fly freely. Well, I need to be free. Free to do my work and my schedules and my socials and my parties. But I don’t understand the people who just need to be free-spirited and free of schedules and work.

I thrive in my work. I feel great. I feel refreshed after a good, productive day of work. I feel energized, because I feel that I just accomplished something, that I just moved something forward, that I just changed the world, even if it’s on a microscopic scale. It still means the world to me.

“I don’t wait for a man”

That’s what my friend said to me today. “There’s two things I won’t do. I won’t wait in lines for clubs and I won’t wait for a man.”

At the first moment, I looked at her with admiration thinking, wow, she’s so confident and strong!

But then, I rethink her statement, and I’m not so sure if I still think it’s confidence and strength anymore.

Of course we won’t wait for a guy that’s a loser and constantly disappoints us or abuses us or mistreats us. But what about being patient for a man? Because you want to give it a chance?

Maybe we say these big statements about “not ever waiting for man” because we’re scared? We scared that:
1. If we really wait for them, what if they end up turning us down? Then the rejection will hurt so bad. Better drop them first before we get dropped.
2. By waiting, that will show we’re desperate, and that he’s good enough to wait for, and we’re so desperate that we need to wait.
3. By waiting, we’ll commit and invest more, and that gives the guy more control over our mood and more ability to hurt us.

So perhaps, underneath this seemingly strong and confident statement is actually insecurity and fear. Not at all the glamorous forefront that we put up.

Stamps are now $0.44!?

Ok, so a bit of a tangent from the usual, but nevertheless, a rant.

I was in desperate need for stamps. And went to the post office for 20 stamps. “$8.80, please.” Huh? Did I hear wrong. $0.42 x 20 = $8.40. Was this guy trying to trick me? Behind him, I see on the whiteboard written “May 44cents”. I’m assuming that’s early warning for May 2010.

“Um, wait, its still 42 cents. It only becomes 44 cents in May, right?” as I point to the whiteboard behind him. “No, ma’am. That was this year. Postage went up to 44 cents this May.” He looks as me as though I’ve either lost my mind, or am completely uncool for being so “last year”. Wow… where have I been?

I’m getting stamps because, ah, it’s the Christmas season! And I’m sending cards to my favorite college professors, mentors and advisors from church, friends who’ve moved away from Philly, parents and grandparents that are far far away.

Punch of reality.

I guess with my work, students, church, drama in my love-life, I haven’t really noticed this.

Did you!?

I frantically come back to my office and try to Google the stamp prices. And sure enough. I feel like an idiot… especially since I tried to point to the whiteboard. Boo.

And as I usually do, I get a bit addicted looking around for news articles and other edits and talk about the elevated prices in postage. Didn’t find much, except that we are expecting it to be increased again in January. Ugh.

Hope 20 stamps are enough this year.

Maybe I should buy a ton. It technically would work as an investment. Should’ve bought those Forever Stamps back when they were 37 cents!

PostageRates

New Postage Rates In Effect

Unselfish vs being taken advantage of

Responding to Emylou from Sacrifice: Where’s the Balance

What is the difference between being unselfish and being taken advantage of and walked all over?

Sometimes, I find myself so scared of being abused and misused, that I try to keep a distance. People say I’m so passionate and generous with my time and my energy. What they don’t know is that I keep certain parts of myself to myself, because I’m scared. I’m scared of exactly that: being taken advantage of.

Now lets be honest, not everyone on the streets is malicious and will seize every opportunity and take advantage of anyone who strolls along. But I’m not going to lie, I know that when I give, there are different levels.

I can give time and money, to charity, to church, to mentoring, to teaching. But I can be emotionally separated. But the next level, I can devote my heart to my work, with all my students and all my ministries and work and my romantic relationships and friendships, I put my heart in. I breathe it and am passionate about it. So when I give, it’s no longer just time and money and effort, but its attached with love and heart and intensity. And now, everything is at higher stakes. Then we can, if we even dare to imagine, go to another level, where we live and exchange. So that its no longer a one way street where we only give, but we exchange. So now we allow ourselves to reveal our needs and dependencies and vulnerabilities. We give, but we are humble and admit that we have weaknesses, and we no longer give because “I’m more privileged, or I’m older, or I’m an alum, or This is my job.”  I give because I want to, but not because I have anything to give. Instead, I have needs and pain and realities, too. Suddenly, we’re no longer opaque, or even translucent, but transparent. Stakes are high, because now, the receiver is also our giver, and they know our weaknesses and pains, and they suddenly have a say, and even, gasp, control.

But how scary is that? And is that wise? In an ideal world, that would be bliss. But sometimes there’s abuse, sometimes there’s pain and hurt and manipulation and mistreatment. Sometimes the hurt comes in an accidental form, other times, its malicious.

Who of us will walk out in to the cold night without a jacket? or at least some layer of protection? Who of us will go into land of pain and suffering without a layer protection? So when we encounter, the pain and suffering won’t pierce us and destroy us along the way?

Or perhaps that’s what we’re called to do? To encounter that pain and suffering and brokenness and contrite spirits?

But then, are we taking the burdens that were never meant to be for us to carry? It says give our burdens to Christ, not bring on the burdens onto ourselves. So when people pile their pain and suffering and stress and all the burdens and baggage on us, are we just being unselfish and considerate and loving? Or are we submitting ourselves to a task that was never meant to be ours? So not only hurting ourselves, but hurting them? Maybe we’re trying to play God and Savior for the other person?

Where is that line between unselfish/self-sacrificing and being taken advantage of/taking whats not our to take/playing God?

Sacrifice: Where’s the balance?

I was chatting with a group of my girlfriends, and we started talking about Sacrifice.

Sometimes, we find ourselves at one extreme, where we’re selfish with our time and our money, and we really don’t want to sacrifice any of it, even to help the poor and the needy, sometimes even to assist a loved one.

But at the same time, many of us find ourselves at the other extreme, where we give and give and give, until we become bitter and angry and hurt. We feel like a pushover. But how do we yell “stop”? We feel responsible for part of the situation, since we were the ones who enabled the other person to depend on us so much.

Where is the balance? When is there a sign that “Enough is enough”, or when “this is the limit of giving”, or “this is it”? Is there even a sign?

As Christian girls, we’re taught to be selfless and sacrificial, but yet we’re also taught to be clever and alert and shwerd. What in the world does that mean?!

So now, we’re left with people who are so bitter and resentful, because they are a giver, and people keep taking from them.

Now what?

“How I felt about him in the beginning”

So often, we as women base our first impressions of a guy on how we “feel” about him. Then we start dating them, and the feeling changes.

Now, it’s not so much as how the feeling was in the beginning, but more about how and what it changes into later.

Scenario 1.

Two minutes into the conversation, and you’re already head over heels for this guy. You think, “This is it. I’m so madly in love with him.” You guys start dating. And the feeling doesn’t grow stronger, but it doesn’t go any dimmer either. Its a constant feeling. Like a square wave.

How Much You Like Him, Scenario 1

But what does that mean? Is this because your love was just so intense in the beginning that it maxed out? Or is it that it’s a stagnant relationship with no growth, and so the plataeu is not positive, but something like a still puddle, breeding west nile mosquitos?

Scenario 2.

You meet the guy, you like the guy, you date the guy. You’re in love, and then suddenly, everything goes downhill. Looks like a steep mountain.

How Much You Like Him, Scenario 2

What’s the problem? Maybe the honeymoon phase is over? Back to reality just doesn’t seem so sweet. Maybe the two people are better in LaLa Land and being in reality only strains the relationship. Maybe someone changed? Maybe someone was on their best behavior in the beginning, and now the masks have been removed. It was fun and exciting in the beginning, but maybe breaking up is inevitable?

Scenario 3.

You didn’t like the guy that much, but was curious. You go along, and find yourself liking him more and more and more. You’re in love, and it’s just growing stronger.

How Much You Like Him, Scenario 3

Why? Why the sudden change in heart? Maybe the guy revealed more about who he is and you realized how precious he is? Or did you get convinced? Or maybe you got brainwashed somewhere along the way, so by playing the part, you start believing the part? Or maybe this is just the rude awakening that often our first impressions and initial judgements aren’t all that accurate. And maybe, just maybe, everyone deserves more than a second chance.

When is he being overly manipulative?

My two friends, Molly and Adam have been dating each other for a few months. Molly constantly finds herself crying or in a constant state of fear. Perhaps Adam is being manipulative? How can we tell?

1. He isolates you from your friends and family. By telling Molly that he doesn’t like her family or her friends, makes Molly spend less time with them and more time with Adam. Eventually, she grow distant with her friends and family and can only cling on to Adam.

2. He is incredibly jealous. About her past boyfriends, about old crushes. Anything he can get his hands on, and then he makes Molly feel horrible about her past, which is something that nobody can change. By doing this, Molly feels apologetic to Adam and feels that she has to make up for her “mistakes” in the past. Adam now has one step over Molly.

3. He constantly asks her to stay over. Molly is losing her independence. She was once capable of living by herself, with her own apartment and her own schedule. Now, her life is dictated by Adam’s schedule, since she doesn’t have a key, and must rely on Adam and his schedule to get in and out of the house. Adam also convinces Molly to move a portion of her stuff over. But when they fight, Molly is left with nothing, and being unable to get in the house, she can’t retrieve any of the items she may need.

4. He has vague plans. He wants Molly to constantly be “on call”, in case he wants to hang out with her. But he’s out with his friends, but Molly has to stand by, in case Adam wants her to join them for lunch/dinner or whatever event. But if Adam never calls that day, Molly would have just been sitting around, home alone.

5. Adam tells Molly, “When I talk to you less or when I don’t want to see you at night, that means the relationship is going downhill.” This reinforces a state of fear within Molly, as if she’s constantly walking on thin ice. Therefore, Adam has successfully gained control of the relationship. He is the one that calls the shots and determines when things are good and when things are going downhill.

scary.

If your relationship sounds like this… try to communicate and change the stakes, or GET OUT FAST!

“Reason why I never visit my rich friends”

My mother had sent me this email. It’s quite funny.

Subject: reason why i never visit my rich friend

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me
and…..

Question : ‘What would you like to have…? Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino, or Coffee?’

Answer : ‘ Tea please’

Question : ‘ Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?’

Answer : ‘ Ceylon tea’

Question : ‘How would you like it? Black or white?

Answer : ‘white’

Question : ‘Milk, or fresh cream?

Answer : ‘With milk’

Question : ‘Goat’s milk, or cow’s milk’

Answer : ‘With cow’s milk please.

Question : ‘Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?’

Answer : ‘Um, I’ll just take it black.’

Question : ‘Would you like it with sweetener,  sugar or honey?’

Answer : ‘With sugar’

Question : ‘Beet sugar or cane sugar?’

Answer : ‘Cane sugar’

Question : ‘White, brown or yellow sugar?’

Answer : ‘Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.’

Question : ‘Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?’

Answer : ‘Mineral water’

Question : ‘Flavored or non-flavored?’

Answer : ‘I think I’ll just die of thirst’