“How I felt about him in the beginning”

So often, we as women base our first impressions of a guy on how we “feel” about him. Then we start dating them, and the feeling changes.

Now, it’s not so much as how the feeling was in the beginning, but more about how and what it changes into later.

Scenario 1.

Two minutes into the conversation, and you’re already head over heels for this guy. You think, “This is it. I’m so madly in love with him.” You guys start dating. And the feeling doesn’t grow stronger, but it doesn’t go any dimmer either. Its a constant feeling. Like a square wave.

How Much You Like Him, Scenario 1

But what does that mean? Is this because your love was just so intense in the beginning that it maxed out? Or is it that it’s a stagnant relationship with no growth, and so the plataeu is not positive, but something like a still puddle, breeding west nile mosquitos?

Scenario 2.

You meet the guy, you like the guy, you date the guy. You’re in love, and then suddenly, everything goes downhill. Looks like a steep mountain.

How Much You Like Him, Scenario 2

What’s the problem? Maybe the honeymoon phase is over? Back to reality just doesn’t seem so sweet. Maybe the two people are better in LaLa Land and being in reality only strains the relationship. Maybe someone changed? Maybe someone was on their best behavior in the beginning, and now the masks have been removed. It was fun and exciting in the beginning, but maybe breaking up is inevitable?

Scenario 3.

You didn’t like the guy that much, but was curious. You go along, and find yourself liking him more and more and more. You’re in love, and it’s just growing stronger.

How Much You Like Him, Scenario 3

Why? Why the sudden change in heart? Maybe the guy revealed more about who he is and you realized how precious he is? Or did you get convinced? Or maybe you got brainwashed somewhere along the way, so by playing the part, you start believing the part? Or maybe this is just the rude awakening that often our first impressions and initial judgements aren’t all that accurate. And maybe, just maybe, everyone deserves more than a second chance.

When is he being overly manipulative?

My two friends, Molly and Adam have been dating each other for a few months. Molly constantly finds herself crying or in a constant state of fear. Perhaps Adam is being manipulative? How can we tell?

1. He isolates you from your friends and family. By telling Molly that he doesn’t like her family or her friends, makes Molly spend less time with them and more time with Adam. Eventually, she grow distant with her friends and family and can only cling on to Adam.

2. He is incredibly jealous. About her past boyfriends, about old crushes. Anything he can get his hands on, and then he makes Molly feel horrible about her past, which is something that nobody can change. By doing this, Molly feels apologetic to Adam and feels that she has to make up for her “mistakes” in the past. Adam now has one step over Molly.

3. He constantly asks her to stay over. Molly is losing her independence. She was once capable of living by herself, with her own apartment and her own schedule. Now, her life is dictated by Adam’s schedule, since she doesn’t have a key, and must rely on Adam and his schedule to get in and out of the house. Adam also convinces Molly to move a portion of her stuff over. But when they fight, Molly is left with nothing, and being unable to get in the house, she can’t retrieve any of the items she may need.

4. He has vague plans. He wants Molly to constantly be “on call”, in case he wants to hang out with her. But he’s out with his friends, but Molly has to stand by, in case Adam wants her to join them for lunch/dinner or whatever event. But if Adam never calls that day, Molly would have just been sitting around, home alone.

5. Adam tells Molly, “When I talk to you less or when I don’t want to see you at night, that means the relationship is going downhill.” This reinforces a state of fear within Molly, as if she’s constantly walking on thin ice. Therefore, Adam has successfully gained control of the relationship. He is the one that calls the shots and determines when things are good and when things are going downhill.

scary.

If your relationship sounds like this… try to communicate and change the stakes, or GET OUT FAST!

“Reason why I never visit my rich friends”

My mother had sent me this email. It’s quite funny.

Subject: reason why i never visit my rich friend

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me
and…..

Question : ‘What would you like to have…? Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino, or Coffee?’

Answer : ‘ Tea please’

Question : ‘ Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?’

Answer : ‘ Ceylon tea’

Question : ‘How would you like it? Black or white?

Answer : ‘white’

Question : ‘Milk, or fresh cream?

Answer : ‘With milk’

Question : ‘Goat’s milk, or cow’s milk’

Answer : ‘With cow’s milk please.

Question : ‘Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?’

Answer : ‘Um, I’ll just take it black.’

Question : ‘Would you like it with sweetener,  sugar or honey?’

Answer : ‘With sugar’

Question : ‘Beet sugar or cane sugar?’

Answer : ‘Cane sugar’

Question : ‘White, brown or yellow sugar?’

Answer : ‘Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.’

Question : ‘Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?’

Answer : ‘Mineral water’

Question : ‘Flavored or non-flavored?’

Answer : ‘I think I’ll just die of thirst’

Secret to Happiness

So I recently read an article about a lecturer at Harvard named Tal-Ben Shahar, and he teaches the class “Positive Psychology”.

I think I need to remember some of these tips, too!

Happiness Tips:

Give yourself permission to be human. When we accept emotions — such as fear, sadness, or anxiety — as natural, we are more likely to overcome them. Rejecting our emotions, positive or negative, leads to frustration and unhappiness.

Happiness lies at the intersection between pleasure and meaning. Whether at work or at home, the goal is to engage in activities that are both personally significant and enjoyable. When this is not feasible, make sure you have happiness boosters, moments throughout the week that provide you with both pleasure and meaning.

Keep in mind that happiness is mostly dependent on our state of mind, not on our status or the state of our bank account. Barring extreme circumstances, our level of well being is determined by what we choose to focus on (the full or the empty part of the glass) and by our interpretation of external events. For example, do we view failure as catastrophic, or do we see it as a learning opportunity?

Simplify! We are, generally, too busy, trying to squeeze in more and more activities into less and less time. Quantity influences quality, and we compromise on our happiness by trying to do too much.

Remember the mind-body connection. What we do — or don’t do — with our bodies influences our mind. Regular exercise, adequate sleep, and healthy eating habits lead to both physical and mental health.

Express gratitude, whenever possible. We too often take our lives for granted. Learn to appreciate and savor the wonderful things in life, from people to food, from nature to a smile.

Cited from: “Boston Globe Article“

Who pays on a second date – Part 2

I never thought this story would have a second part… (Who pays on a second date)

But here it goes:

So after the guy asked the girl to pay on their second date (Adam and Eve are their fake names), they talked a little bit, but Eve never saw him again.

Suddenly, months later and out of the blue, Adam calls Eve and wants to hang out again.

Question: How should she respond?

Does he want another free meal?

Or maybe he didn’t realize how awkward he made Eve feel after that date?

Isn’t waiting a month to call someone a bit too long anyway?

What does Adam expect to get out of this?

“Honey, let’s go to this formal”

So, unless it’s a function for the husband’s/boyfriend’s company or his own wedding, usually, the women are the ones who initiate the idea of going to formals and getting dressed up fundraisers and events.

Recently, there was a “Black and White Formal” in Philadelphia. And the requirements were simple and straightforward: Please only wear black and white attire.

Soon after, a flood of inquiries from women came stumbling in. “Can my husband wear a dark gray suit?”, “Does my boyfriend have to wear ALL black? Can there be gray?”, “My husband has no black attire, is that ok?”

Notice two things:
1. All the emails are from women.
2. The questions are all from the women asking for their husbands.

Why aren’t the men asking these questions? If the man can’t find the appropriate attire, why don’t they try to figure it out? Unless… <gasp> they actually don’t really want to go!!

Shocking.

Possibilities:

1. The man doesn’t want to go. Therefore, he has no motivation to “solve the problem” of finding appropriate attire. But the woman really wants to go, so she tries to solve the problem for him and convinces him to go.

2. The man would kind of like to go, but not enough to really take initiative and try to ask for leniency or try to go out and rent/buy the appropriate attire. So he just gives up. But the woman really wants to go, so tries to resolve the problem, makes the situation easier and then gets him to go.

3. The man really wants to go, but is too embarrassed to ask a “clothing” related question. Therefore, he asks his wife/girlfriend to do it for him.

Black and White Formal Attire

I highly doubt that it’s number 3, because I think most mature guys will get over themselves and are capable to ask for more information and resolve their problems on their own.

As for option number 1 and 2, is it that the woman just doesn’t realize that the man doesn’t want to go? Or she thinks, “if I have everything planned out and thought out, and the guy doesn’t have to think or make any effort, maybe he’d be more inclined to go.”

So then brings us to the next point, why are women so insistent on going to formals? Is it the dressing up? So why don’t we just dress up on our own? Why do we have to bring a date? (and make our men go through miserable formals in tight and stuffy suits/tuxes with us?)

Is there any way where women can still enjoy going to formals and dressing up? But not have to endure the pressure of getting a date? (Remember those days of our proms and school/sorority formals?)

I can’t think of any solution yet. Don’t know if anyone else has come up with a solution yet either.

But as for now, men, please comply once in awhile, and accompany us to these formals, even if it bores your mind to pieces. We, as women, will be very grateful for your presence and company!

How petty is too petty?

Ever find yourself caught in this situation?

Ben and Jennifer are good friends, and one night, they kiss. One person really likes the other person, and they feel that the kiss is “oh, just so RIGHT!”. A few weeks later, the other person shows up at a party and brings another guy/girl that they may be potentially interested in.

Now what?

Let’s say Jennifer has had a little crush on Ben for awhile, and when they kissed, she had her hopes up in thinking that something more was about to happen. However, few weeks later, Ben brought another girl to a party.

Now before Jennifer starts hating on the girl or on Ben, or before she runs out of the party sobbing and feeling heartbroken and cheated on, maybe we can freeze-frame, and consider a few questions.

Did Ben ever like Jennifer in the first place? What was he thinking after the kiss? (Did he think?!) Is he even interested in the 2nd girl that he brought to the party? or maybe they’re just friends?

Graph to depict all 4 possibilities:

Scenario 1. Let’s say Ben was interested in both. Is that wrong? Should he only focus on one girl at a time? Or is it his prerogative to hang out with both girls at once? By kissing Jennifer, he may have broken the “friend” code (or the “friend” boundary). So is Jennifer being too petty by being upset? Or is Ben being inconsiderate?

Scenario 2. Ben is interested in Jennifer. So why did he bring the 2nd girl? Is he playing games? Maybe he’s just super naive and doesn’t realize the situation. Maybe he likes Jennifer, but doesn’t realize that she likes him back and cares a lot if he shows up with another girl. So is Ben just being clueless? Or is Jennifer overreacting to the situation? Maybe she should ask about the whole thing before jumping into conclusions and causing World War 3.

Scenario 3. Ben is interested in the 2nd girl. So maybe he used to be interested in Jennifer, but not anymore. Or maybe he just never was interested in Jennifer. Does it matter? He’s not interested in her now. Is it fair to Ben that Jennifer is holding him accountable for his past actions? Is she just being way to petty and immature? Or is Ben just not being very careful in tying up the loose ends? Did he need to explain anyway?
Ben’s argument: A kiss was a kiss. And that’s all it was. Maybe I thought it was a good idea at the time. But many things have changed in the past few weeks. Don’t I have the option to move on? When we kissed, there really was no commitment, so why are you (Jennifer) holding me to it?
Jennifer’s argument: A kiss is a kiss. And that makes things more complicated. How are you responsible or respectful to me if you just kiss me one day and then run off with another girl the next?

Scenario 4. Ben is not interested in either girl. He’s just being nice and friendly (maybe flirty?). Then the questions are, why did he kiss Jennifer? Maybe he thought he was interested, but not anymore? Maybe showing up to the party with the girl wasn’t really a date, just an opportunity to get to know the girl more. And so he didn’t really have feelings for her (the 2nd girl), just wanted to hang out and get to know her more. So if Jennifer is making a big deal out of it, is she just adding drama? Or is she valid is having all the questions and anger and jealousy? Or perhaps all this headache was for nothing, because Ben might be actually interested in girl 3 … or maybe he’s… gay?

So in light of the situation, is someone being inconsiderate and irresponsible? or is someone being overly petty?

Should Ben have been more sensitive to Jennifer’s feelings? Or is he justified in acting the way he did? Do we let it slide because we think “oh, guys just sometimes don’t realize things”, or is that just an excuse to get off easy?

Should Jennifer just have backed off, and moved on? Realizing that Ben may be no longer interested in her, or that she’s not interested in guys acting this way? Or was she justified in being upset, feeling heartbroken and then taking action? What’s the benefit in taking action? Just the sheer satisfaction?

“Story of a Girl”

My students wrote this as a birthday present for me! super creative!
They sang it to me and I started crying. So touched by their efforts! Thanks, guys!

(To the tune of “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)” by Nine Days)

This is the story of a girl
Who tries to go and absorb the whole world
And while she always seems to be on the go
She needs to take a break to,
Celebrate! (*happy birthday!*)

How many days in a year?
She’s got so many roles that she always changing gears
Daughter, sister and Penn engineer
Making her promises –always so real!
As long as she keeps on striving,
(she’ll be) Growing through obstacles God throws her way
How many years disappear,
Before she steps back to savor her works?
Your song never ceases to inspire Sundays
And your cheer never runs in quite the same way
And you never seem to run out of things to say…

This is the story of a girl
Who tries to go and absorb the whole world
And while she always seems to be on the go
She needs to take a break to,
Celebrate! (*happy birthday!*)

So how does she make up for time?
She seems to be hopping day after day
How does she fill up her days?
Well you gotta first look at what her works say
She does things that make her happy
Fitting her rhythm and syncs with her needs
How will she find what she craves?
When she’s distracted by beer chips and meetings galore
Third culture kid with amazing smarts
And she’s filled with a joy that consumes her whole heart
So what the heck can we offer this birthday gal?

This is the story of a day
2X years (plus a week!), it is what we’ll say
Happy Birrr-thday, we hope you’ll stay
To enjoy this song we wrote you
With a smile

Every time you threaten to leave

I don’t think it’s fair when every time a couple fights, one person threatens to leave.

That is so hurtful and so scary.

We blame each other about insecurities. But what if, just what if, our attitudes and threats are the origins of our partner’s insecurities in the relationship? Then who can you blame?! No one else but ourselves!

Every time you want to threaten to leave, don’t do it. Stop yourself. Hold you tongue. Swallow those words back down. Try to say things in a different way. Too many “ultimatums” and threats will someday come true. And you’ll be the one clawing for a way back and asking to rebuild that bridge. But too late, because that bridge had been slowly torn apart and broken down day by day, month by month, year by year from all your empty threats to leave.

If you say you love them, then be it. Don’t just say it. Stay and fight. Stay and work things out. Threatening does nothing. In fact, it shows that you have nothing left to use, and can only always reach for your trump card. A trump card of manipulation. To try to scare the other person in conforming to your ways and your desires.

If you really love them, actually try to work it through. Stop throwing out your trump card every new moon. Stop breaking the bridge that you’re trying to build. Are you doing more damage than growth in your relationship?

Every time you threaten to leave, you’re damaging “us” just a bit more.

Jealousy: How much is too much?

How much jealousy is the right amount? and when is it just too much?

At first sight, a little jealousy is sweet. You wouldn’t want a boyfriend or girlfriend who could care less if you flirted with another person, kissed, or even slept with another person. It’s sweet. It means they care. But when is it crossing the boundaries?

1. One that can’t differentiate between friend or foe. Even though you’ve told them multiple time this is a FRIEND. And you’re not hanging out one on one, but everytime the person appear, even at the same party, you significant other gets all upset. And you end up having to spend the whole night consoling him/her. (and it doesn’t matter that you’ve known the friend for 7 years, and have gone through crazy times together, and this “significant other” has only been in your life for 3 months…)

2. It’s your party. And you have to play host. And you need to make sure everyone who’s at your party is having fun. Your significant other feels neglected. Even though they are your priority, but you were hoping they’d jump in and help invite and welcome all the guests. But they end up sulking in a corner, upset because they accuse you of ignoring them and talking to everyone else.

3. Getting upset about you past. There are things you can’t change. For example dating old exes and other people that they may not approve of, yet this was well before the two of you even met. If they get jealous, it is of your past, and there is nothing you can do. This is getting ridiculous.

4. When you’re just casually dating, and at someone else’s party, this person gets furious at you because other guys who are interested in you start talking you. Doesn’t matter if they knew you before him/her, and are friends with you before this person, they get outraged, to the point where they stomp off or ignore your calls. And the next day, he/she turns it on you and makes it out to be your fault.

5. You’re excited  because of a Phillies win or because you just cheered someone and they won! You’re hugging every single one of your friends around you. You are all jumping up and down. Suddenly, he/she sulks and says you’re being too friendly. You have no idea when they just suddenly snapped. Completely confused, you want to straighten out the situation and try to talk it out. They throw a temper tantrum and want you to pick up the pieces. That is jealousy getting completely OUT OF HAND.

So now, what do you do?

I don’t know. I’m not sure. This seems like a really sticky situation. Do you just walk away from the whole situation? Or do you try to work it out? When is it irreversible damage? and unreconciliable differences?

How many people cry on their own birthdays?

I do.

I think the problems with birthdays, is that there’s too much expectations or promises, and it ends up leading to a lot more stress and disappointments than usual.

People tell you all these things they want to do for you, set up for you, party with you. And then it ALL somehow falls through when your actual birthday rolls around.

Good job, guys. Way to pump up my hopes… for nothing.

So is there any remedy?

I still want to be “Mr. Brightside” and be optimistic and try to have fun. So I don’t want to be all suspicious and lacking trusts in my friends, and not believe what they say.

But perhaps I should start screening my friends. Only keep the ones that are punctual and honest and aren’t flaky.

Flakey people suck.

Flakey friends are even worse. Cuz they’re not really your friends, if they constantly let you down.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY! why do you guys stress me out!? with unnecessary drama? and not being on time? making all reservations and parties a huge hassle to arrange and set up?!

ARG!

What’s even more ironic, is that this entry was written before my birthday party. And all the above… came true. And yes, I cried at my own party. Ugh. So much drama.

People getting angry. booo

can’t you just wait? until after my birthday passes??

When it’s your Birthday!

Today is my birthday!

Thank you thank you, well-wishers!

It brings me back to some “fond” memories of my birthdays in the past few year.

For my birthday in 2007, I still vividly remember. This was the first birthday I had after I started dating my ex. I was so excited! Because it was also my first birthday in Philly!

Unfortunately, my ex had to help out at this church, the exact day on my birthday. So instead of canceling, since there were many others that were helping. He canceled on my birthday. Me, wanting to spend my birthday with him, was trying to make a compromise. So he said, well, if you really want to see me, you can come with me to the event I’m helping out with. I agreed.

So there I was, on my birthday, playing keyboard and singing for a church I had no relationship with. And spending the entire day of my birthday running around NYC and NJ, getting equipment, setting up, doing sound check, doing an extra concert, etc etc. After the whole event, he told his friends who were also helping out that it was my birthday. Another friend, not even my ex, suggested we go get dinner, since we’re all starving. And in the end, got me some ice cream, since, by the way, it’s your birthday. And then I paid for my own share. Really?! Not that I should have far-fetched expectations. But I spent my birthday with a bunch of his friends and doing his event for him.

Meanwhile, back in Philly, my friends were sad that they weren’t able to celebrate my birthday for me/with me. When I came back from NJ/NYC, they had gifts and cards for me, and was telling me that they had plans and dinner reservations to surprise me.

After that, I realized, when it’s my birthday, I will do what I want. You can join me if you wish, but don’t make me run around, and serve YOUR event, when it was my birthday.

People, both men and women, if there’s any day in the year, it should be your birthday. I love my friends, and often plan things which I know my friends will enjoy. But I also enjoy those things as well. Also, I love spending time with many of my friends. So even if it’s a boyfriend, if he’s asking you to leave your friends, and run around doing things for him when it’s really your birthday, well, ask him to wait until it’s not your birthday.

Self-sacrifice and compromises are very important in a relationship. But when you’re the one always compromising, and the other party isn’t even trying (i.e. canceling on you and then telling you “if you really want to see me you can come to me and do what I want”), that’s really not compromising. And it’s not ok.

Love yourself a little bit more, especially when it’s your birthday.

Spend some time telling mom “I love you, and thanks for taking the time and pain to have me “. Then spend time with your friends doing what you love to do.

Don’t be doing things you don’t want to do, and miss out on your birthday, and have to wait a whole other year before it comes by again. You have the other 364 days to do the things you don’t want to do.

Top 5 kisses in movies

5. Spiderman
When Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst kiss upside down in the rain. Nice idea! Maybe not the best thing to try to imitate. But very creative. And mysterious!

4. 10 Things I Hate About You
When Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger are playing paintball. And finally Heath Ledger catches Julie Stiles in a hay stack. Heath Ledger kisses Julia Stiles as he flings away the paintball goggles. Super cute and adorable! And fun!

3. Hitch
When Albert Brennaman chucks his inhaler and marches back up to the door and kisses Allegra Cole. Very cute. Very real. The close up of his fat lips and as he shuts his eyes and waits for Allegra to close in. Super realistic. Takes the “fantasy” out of kissing, to help us realize that it’s ok that it’s not that perfect, moonlit Hollywood kiss.

2. He’s Just Not That Into You
At the end, when Gigi gets kissed, after the guy tells her that she’s his exception. Wonderful. Great kiss. Makes you wonder if it may be real!

1. Never Been Kissed.
At the very end of the movie, Drew Barrymore gets her first kiss in her life, and they are in the middle of a baseball field, and the camera angle circles around the kiss. Magical and sweet.

Watching an ex flirt with your good friend

So when I was in Chicago, I saw this story play out:

My friend, let’s call her Adrienne, used to date this guy, Ben. Adrienne and I have another friend, Rachel. And at the conference in Chicago, we were all hanging out at happy hours and dinners together.

Rachel has no idea that Adrienne and Ben used to date. Ben starts putting moves on Rachel. Adrienne acts completely, and I really mean, completely, normal. Not even turning a head, or looking over, or anything. No sign what-so-ever that this Ben character used to be something special. Ben has a friend Jared, who’s really good friends with Rachel. So Rachel thinks this is great, her two good friends, Jared and Adrienne are hanging out. And she accepts Ben with open arms because Ben is long time buddies with Adrienne and Jared. Plus, Ben is super sweet and flirty and nice with Rachel. She’s having a good time. (note: there are tons of other friends and people there. So it’s not just the 5 of us, but these are the main players (or culprits) involved.)

It’s getting late, and Adrienne asks Rachel if she wants to all head over to Ben and Jared’s place to hang out a bit more. Rachel isn’t interested in anything special, just wants to have fun and spend time with friends. Agrees, but doesn’t want to get back too late. They’re watching tv and eating pizza till late. Adrienne proposes to Rachel that they should just spend the night at Ben and Jared’s place. Rachel is slightly uncomfortable, as she doesn’t know Ben that well, and both her and Jared are seeing other people (not each other, just other people). But Adrienne makes the case that it’s late and cold and she doesn’t want to head back. And Rachel, wanting to make Adrienne happy as well, complied.

Next thing you know, Adrienne jumps into bed with Ben, leaving Rachel a bit confused. As Rachel had thought she and Adrienne would share a bed and the two guys would share the other queen bed. Not knowing what to say, except asks if anyone wanted to trade beds. With no answer from Adrienne, Rachel eventually gets into bed, and stays very far from Jared, as Rachel knows Jared’s girlfriend very well. Awkward.

Morning comes. Rachel wakes up first, after an awkward and uncomfortable night of restless sleep. She starts to get her things together, she’s determined to leave, now that it’s 8am, with or without Adrienne.

Rachel looks over at Adrienne to see if there’s any chance in waking her to let her know she’s leaving. And sees that Adrienne is now cuddling with Ben. Rachel quickly turns her eyes, having no idea what’s going on, thinking, “oh, maybe Adrienne developed a little crush on Ben over night!”

On her way out, Adrienne stirs, and realizes Rachel is leaving. Stops Rachel, and asks her to wait. So after awhile, Rachel and Adrienne leave together.

On the way back, Rachel playfully jokes with Adrienne, “Ooo~ so what’s the deal with you and Ben? Do you have a crush on him?”

Adrienne giggles a bit, and says, “Oh, we actually used to date. He was the one guy I was completely in love with. And then broke my heart.”

And Rachel and Adrienne are good friends, and Rachel had heard about this guy before, but never met him in person, nor could she pair up the two stories/characters. She’s shocked, and weirded out, and even more… confused.

She tells me about how their night ended and says, “Can you believe it?!”

My question: Why would Adrienne just let him flirt with Rachel that way? But even after that, Adrienne still wanted to crawl into bed with Ben? And let Ben cuddle with her? And isn’t it strange that Ben disregards Adrienne’s feelings and just flirts with her good friend, Rachel, right in front of her face?!

That is just weird!

One more thing, all these people are from Philadelphia. So why are they getting all cuddly… in Chicago!? when they have all the time in the world, and all the opportunities in the city of Philly, to cuddle here?!

Are you guys really just friends? or is there something going on?

Have you ever gotten caught in this situation?

Where you’re hanging out with a bunch of people, and two people seem really close and flirty, but upon asking, they quickly shake their heads, laugh hysterically, and say, “Oh my goodness. I would never date him/her. We’re totally just friends.”

And you believe them, until a few minutes later, the flirting starts again, and the special looks, and etc etc.

So what do you do? If you’re single, does that mean the girl is up for grabs? or the guy is available? Or is that just them being shy about their current status?

Or…

Does it mean that the guy or girl is actually interested in YOU? And by answering, “No, I’m not dating him/her”, they are actually trying to explain to you subtly that they are still available and single? (Hint, hint. Wink, wink.)

So then why are they flirting? if they’re really interested in you?

1. Maybe they’re trying to ask you to up your game? (oh, those stupid games)

2. Maybe they came with the guy or girl but is now more interested in you. But they can’t just drop their “friend”, so they need to split their attention between you and the so called “friend”.

3. Perhaps they’re way too nice, and feel bad for saying no to the “friend” who’s interested, or they’ve been long time buddies, and they can’t just ignore them and ditch them to come talk to you. But they’re trying to explain to you, without being too forward, that they’re interested in you and available for you.

4. Perhaps they’re observing you. Trying to get a feel of what you’re like, but from afar. They’re interested. Oh, they’re interested. But they want to step a few feet away first, and take it a bit slower.

Or… perhaps you’re right. They’re just lying through their teeth. And something is obviously going on. So then why not man up to it?! and explain?!

Well, maybe they’re just being shady. Perhaps something is going on. And they’re both very interested in each other. But both are too prideful (or insecure) to be the one to confess that they like the other person. Also, could be that they want to seem “cool and calm” and as if they still want to play the field and are not tied down. (Why are people go obsessed with not being the first one to admit they’re in a relationship or like each other?! People need to get over it…)

Maybe they just broke up. Or maybe they kinda had a thing going, but now it’s fallen apart. And they’re trying to move on, but unhealthily still hanging around each other, or they share many mutual friends (Staying friends with an ex).

Either way, people who do this: STOP IT!

Not only is it silly and childish that you guys are playing this game with each other, it’s also very CONFUSING for everyone around you! Especially when there are men on the prowl and women on the lookout, and many other of your friends just super confused about how to treat you and act around you when you bring out your “friend”. So please, do us all a favor. Have a DTR (define the relationship) talk and figure it out. And if you’re really just “friends”, then act like it!

Editor’s Note: Sorry for the MIA

I have been away in Chicago for a conference for the last week. So the entries will start up again. Apologies.

I tried a bunch of different places and restaurants, and saw quite a few funny stories. All will be coming up in the next few days!

It’s good to be back!

Hurray for Phillies!

Should I call him back first?

My answer: Absolutely yes!

Why?

Well, first off, waiting is hell. Why would you allow someone else to put you through it if you had the power to remove yourself from it?

It’s the 21st century and we, as women, have the right to take control and remove yourself from situations that you don’t like and aren’t comfortable in.

Do I mean constant texting and calling right after the first date? No. Of course not. But being equal, such as waiting a few days (yes, act cool) and return a call or text a “Thank you for the date, I really enjoyed it” wouldn’t hurt. In fact, it would probably help.

A lot of women shoot themselves in the foot, because they keep waiting and waiting, and meanwhile, this may send signals of indifference or high maintainence to the guy, both which are usually not quite positive.

Sometimes, as women, we tell each other advice such as:

“No, definitely don’t call first. You need to let him call. Play hard to get. Let him try to catch you. Play the game! It’s fun to be chased.”

Honestly, sometimes I don’t know if women are just trying to sabotage each other or do they just fail at getting men. Nobody likes playing the games, and moreso, no one likes being played. As much as we like to joke about men’s IQ, they are very smart creatures. And they will know when they are being toyed with and manipulated. As soon as he realizes what you’re about (all about games and such), you can watch any respectable, good quality guy walk out that door, faster than you can “redial” and call back.

Men have self respect. So treat them how you’d want to be treated. By playing this game of “who calls who first” and “who can wait it out the longest” and “I’ll see when he starts missing me” … Really? There’s no winner in these types of games. Even if he does bend over and call you, then what? More games?

And then the relationship will start off with all guessing and games. So if that’s what your comfortable with, perhaps try asking, why do you need games?

Are you afraid that you have nothing to offer the guy? and that there is nothing that he’ll find about you intriguing that he’ll want to stay? So in order to make a guy stay, you’ll have to play games and toy with his appetite?

If so, stop playing games, and realize you have TOOONS to offer. Not just your company, but your thoughts, your passions, who you are, your past experiences, etc etc. You have a lot to offer. So stop playing games. Get some confidence in yourself, and call him back.

And if he’s not receptive. Oh well. It’s ok. It’s not a good match then! Move on, and you’ll find someone that appreciates you, not the games, but you.

Why doesn’t he call me back?

Ahh, the age old question we love to ask! Whether it be after exchanging numbers with him, or after the first date, or after calling or texting and leaving a message.

Why isn’t he calling me!?

Well, we can always tap into the movie “He’s just not that into you”, or we can ask a few of our trusted male-species friends.

1. Sometimes, they try to create a look of “coolness.” To their male ego, it’s really important for them not to appear too desperate, and they have to keep their cool, and look like they’re not in a hurry, and they’re browsing their options, etc etc. So some guys have a rule, a 3-day or 5-day rule. In other words, they will wait 3 or 5 days before calling a girl, whether it be after a great date, or after exchanging numbers. But I hear that men are more likely to adhere to this rule right after getting the girl’s number.

2. They actually do work. Men, unlike women, sometimes get lost in their work. For better or for worse. But while us as women, our minds keep drifting back to the guy, and we’re constantly checking our phones for texts or missed calls or messages, guys don’t. When they work, they work. It’s not that they don’t care about you. It’s not that their not interested. It’s just that there’s this little thing called: WORK. And in order for them to make a living, and actually have money to take you out on nice dates, they need to be at work, 100% at work. While women multi-task, and can have 50 million things on their minds at once, men don’t. Even asking husbands and wives, in the morning, the husbands go into work, and they’re gone until they come home in the evening. Don’t expect constant emails or phone calls from the office. Don’t expect little texts and notes. (This may happen in the very beginning, called the honeymoon phase… But men are workers, and they’re good workers. They take pride in their jobs and they are 100% focused and driven at work, well, most men are, but let’s not get into the exceptions, once again.)

3. They’re deciding. Chances are that there are other girls that he may be talking to. And perhaps you’re at the top of the list right now. But he really needs some time to think and debate, and list out the pros and cons… (let’s cross our fingers that they actually put THAT much thought into it.) Bottom line, he needs some time to sort out his thoughts. And if he wants more with you, he may also be starting to distance himself with the other women. So maybe he’s already leaning towards you. But you’re constant obsessing and worrying, and eventually your stalker attitude, will not help the situation.

4. He’s interested, but he’s worried you’re not. He waiting for you to make the next move. Call the man a coward, because he might be, but maybe he’s just respectful. He doesn’t want to come off too strong. He’s like to give you space and time. If he asked you out the first time, perhaps he’s waiting for you to take the initiative for the next one.

5. He’s gentle and maybe not as confident. I understand that confidence is an important and sexy trait, but not everyone is borne with it, especially when it comes to matters with the opposite sex. Maybe he needs a bit of encouragement from you. Maybe he needs some affirmation on your end. If you’re waiting for him to call you, maybe he’s waiting for you to call him. Remember that AT&T commercial? Where the guy was waiting for the girl to call him the whole week? (and AT&T showing that they always have bars everywhere, so you don’t need to worrying about missing that “important” phone call.)

6. He’s busy, because he has a life. He’s busy with his family, his friends, maybe he’s divorced and has kids… who knows?! But perhaps he does something other than sit around next to the phone all day, thinking about calling or not calling you. He had a college reunion to go to, he had things planned with his buddies, he has a business trip, or going to watch a Phillies game… Whatever it is, he may be really busy for the next couple of days. He likes you, and wants to see you again. But first, he has to finish all his work and other appointments.

7. He forgot. Don’t be upset. He’s interested. But right as he was about to call, things came up, one after another after another. Once he settles back down, he’ll remember and call. Hasn’t that ever happened to us? We really love our grandmas or brothers and sisters, and we were meaning to call them this week to wish them happy birthday or to wish them a speedy healing in the hospital, but we were swamped with things and tasks bombarding our limited 24-hour days, and so we forget… until a week later. (that’s why there are “belated happy birthday” cards.. even online ones!)

8. Maybe you just got out of a relationship, and he’s worried you’re not ready yet. Perhaps he really would like to get to know you better, but is on the fence about where you stand. Obviously, talking about these sensitive issues on a first date is quite impossible (unless you’re just that open and comfortable with sharing your own personal stories). Otherwise, maybe he would like to know you as a friend first, perhaps he has concerns. Maybe he doesn’t know what to do next. Wherever you stand, maybe help him out and let him know. Invite him for coffee? Casual hang out?

9. Perhaps, as the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” depicts, he’s just not interested. I’m not ruling that out. It’s quite possible, especially if you wait for awhile, and if you also tried contacting him.

10. BLANK. I’m leaving this one blank, because instead of creating a complete 10 reasons list, I think there are always exceptions and different situations and circumstances. This one is left blank because you may be able to fill this one out yourself. And perhaps no one else has the same occurrence, but that doesn’t matter. There’s a reason we’re all created differently…

Point being, there are many possiblities. It could be he’s just not interested. But before you go ahead and put yourself down, think about this: It could be he’s interested, and he just needs some time to call. Give him some time. But don’t wait around. And don’t obsess over “why he’s not calling” for like 20 times in one day. Its not worth it. Be the man. Do your work, and give it 100%. Hang out with your friends and family and give them 100% of your attention. Honestly, guys will come in and out of your life. But you friends and family are there to stay and support you. Also, you spend so much time worrying about him, you miss out on life, and all the fun things to do and play when you’re single! And, moreover, you may just miss out on the next best thing that walks into your life!

Lies are like Onions

“Lies are like onions, every layer makes someone cry, under every layer of lies there are still more under, you never know how many layers are still to come. Do us all a favor, quit lying.”

My younger brother actually said that, after he was cheated on by his ex.

What makes people lie?

Is it greed? Wanting it all, so we cheat and lie to get our way. Or is it fear? Fear of what may happen if we are truthful to the other person, even truthful to ourselves? Is is ignorance and being naive? Thinking that by making up a little lie will help conflict pass away and disappear?  But meanwhile, the layers start building, the fabricated story becomes a whole saga and a novel. It hurts. Every layer of it hurts. Not only does it hurt the people around us, but it hurts ourselves the most.

Why do we lie? What’s so fearful and aversive about the truth?

Is it a hidden agenda? So when you lie, you can get what you want and look how you want to appear, as opposed to just being honest?

Why do we play games this way? Eventually, its not even a game anymore. It becomes a conspiracy, it becomes this whole master plan. The guilt may consume the liar, and the lies may destroy the victim who bought into those lies.

If there is no good in lying, why do we lie?! And strangely enough, we lie the most in relationships and in love. And that is probably the most important place for honesty, trust, truth and openness, and transparency. Why do we kick ourselves in the shin? Why do we sabotage ourselves, and then run in circles in the journey of love? And we are lovesick, we are heartbroken, we are giddy, we are infatuated with love and then swallowed up in sadness. But did we do all this to each other? Are we just cycling through each other’s pains and hurt and lies and mistakes?

If its a negative cycle, how can we break out of it?

What negative cycle, you ask? Even if we stay honest and truthful and try our best to keep the integrity of the relationship and ourselves, as well as give our partners the utmost respect, what can ensure that our partners will do the same for us? Because in the case that we preserve the integrity of the relationship, the day that our partners break that trust, and shatter us completely, will we someday become that liar and the dishonest one, to shatter the next partner who comes into our lives?

How can we break away from this cycle?

Not Settling for anything less than Everything?

So as young girls, we are told to keep our standards high. Yet later when we grow up, people sometimes tell us that our standards are too high. But didn’t you just set me up 15-20 years ago telling me that I needed to keep my standards high? Didn’t you just show me those Disney films about Prince Charmings and Happy Endings and Happily Ever Afters?

So is right for us to say we are not settling for anything than everything? Or are we just being unreasonable?

Sometimes, when we break up, our friends will say, “He wasn’t good enough for you anyway. You had too low standards. You should never go with someone who is XYZ, ever.” But sometimes, if you break up with a person your friends like, they might say, “Man, you have too high standards. Even though he had some flaws, he was great in this and that and this and that! You can’t have it all, you know? You need to be realistic.”

And if we go to the section of “how he treats you” then that’s a whole new crazy debate. “He should treat you like his princess/queen.” “You guys should act as equal. You can’t be too demanding. Its equal opportunity all the way.” “He should be thoughtful of you, but you should be thoughtful of him.” But till when? When is he just being insensitive and hurtful? And when is it that we’re just too whiny and demanding, and becoming that high maintenance girl?    And, not to make it even more difficult, how can we figure this out in the first few dates? When both sides are on their best behavior?

People around us are constantly bombarding us with their “objective” viewpoints. But the result? We are QUITE confused!

We know that God has someone prepared for us, but then there’s the advice that “if we set our own standards too high, then we will miss out on God’s plan, since we’re too busy following our own plan.” So we then should have faith and trust in God. Yes, but does that mean for us to have absolutely NO standards at all then? I hope not…

So now, the little girls have grown up. And we need to be able to discern between good men and bad men, matching relationships and mismatching ones, healthy and fruitful relationships and harmful and hurtful relationships.

Please help us out. When are our standards too high or too low? And should we keep them up? Or should we be realistic?